Monday, May. 12, 2003 | 10:35 AM

Opening weekend has passed, and now I am back at work feeling terribly antsy and attempting to remind myself how lucky I am to have this job while so many people are out of work. I really don�t want to be here right now, and after only one day away from my theatre-world I am restless and missing it like crazy.

I anticipate being a nervous wreck when this shows ends.

It is however in the long run a stepping stone to bigger and better things. Daniel is going to work with me for NETC and Straw Hat auditions which aren�t until March. But I�ll have a good chance to beef up my resume before that. The Hair auditions were today, and much as I wanted to go, I am so wrapped up in Cabaret right now, and am so utterly exhausted, that I don�t think it would be in my best interest to trudge off to New York and back right now. I don�t want to make myself sick�I didn�t realize how much energy it takes to do three shows in 24 hours. I think I need some more time to get my shit together and develop a real plan of action�besides, I think NETC�s are a better way to immerse myself in the business.

I really have no doubt that I�ll get something in the NETC�s or Straw Barn. Something happened to me this weekend when I saw how an audience responds to me. This is going to sound ridiculous and pompous on the page, but I realized that I have something very special, that I have a means of communicating something profound. And it has nothing to do with my own ego at all�it�s having the capacity to serve a story. To really affect people and make them think and feel, and that if there was any doubt in my mind about what I need to do in my life, it has most definitely been eradicated.

I was good on Friday, Great on Saturday afternoon, and Phenomenal on Saturday evening.

I know some of my friends didn�t think as much of the show as I do (of course they loved me�they have to) but I am exceptionally proud of it, and truly in awe of everyone else in the cast, for whom I have great esteem and have enjoyed working with so much. Everyone is so generous and giving onstage and off�no cattiness or diva-dom. I wouldn�t have been half as good as I was without working with people I felt so safe and comfortable with, and who continually took risks and strove to give greater and more complex performances. This has been the most rewarding creative experience of my life thus far, and it has a great deal to do with how connected I felt with everyone in the cast. It has been an honor to work with people who are dedicated, who put in time and effort, who aren�t afraid to fall flat on their faces, and who really and truly care about telling this story�who put their money where their mouth is, and show up giving 100% every day. They were willing to put in the time, effort, and sacrifice it takes to create this show�a show that is dark and ambitious and extraordinarily difficult to pull off. We all built this show together as an ensemble. It was hard back breaking work, and a lot of fun, and I love each and every person associated with it. I feel truly honored to have been a part of this production for my first show in seven years. It was exactly the kind of nurturing environment I needed.

I was flattered and amused at my glowing review in Theatre Mirror (um� hello Larry? It�s news to me that I�m Caribbean�I�m actually Russian, Irish, and German. Not that it matters in any case), and I thought he had some decent points about the rest of the play, although personally I think the show is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It�s my baby, and I adore every aspect of it. In fact, I would rather hear criticism of my own performance than of any other part of the production�the same way it�s easier to take an insult about yourself than one about your Mom. As far as I�m concerned, I�m working with the greatest group of people ever. I will be forever thankful to them for allowing me to be part of this production.

And yes, I know how fucking fabulous I am�I�d be a fool not to.