Thursday, Apr. 24, 2003 | 12:50 PM

Opening Night is TWO WEEKS FROM TOMORROW!!!!

You best come see the show. Here are the TOP TEN REASONS WHY:

1) Girls in scanty costumes gyrating in a lascivious manner. And boys too. And lots of making out. And bestiality! (OK-- I was just kidding about the last thing)

2) The Gossip Factor: You, the gentle readers of this diary, who know the up close and personal behind the scenes scoop on my life, will be able to watch and say, Oh so that�s the guy she likes or she looks fatter than she does in those pictures online etc. See, it�s just like People Magazine!

3) The orchestra is going to be in drag. And they�re fucking hott.

4) Because you want to see whether I actually am as awesomely talented as I think I am, and maybe you just might catch me falling flat on my face in public�you know, that whole sangfroid thing.

5) Psst� Joe Millionaire might be in the audience. I�m not kidding�he was at our benefit show at The Rack. And who knows what other third tier irrelevant celebrities you might spot!

6) There is a scene where someone dances around the stage in an ape suit.

7) How often do you get to see swastikas live and up close? Well, there�s plenty of �em in Cabaret!

8) Maybe you get turned on by a somewhat convincing German Accent.

9) The Theatre is right in Central Square so if you don�t like the show, you can just walk out and there�s half a dozen bars within a block�I strongly recommend my local watering hole, the Good Life, which serves expensive (but delectable) chocolate martinis, and is the closest thing to a Rat Pack type lounge bar this area has to offer. If your taste leans towards less upscale divier locales, The People�s Republik and The Cambridgeport are also fine choices.

10) Because seriously folks, the show is so god damned good. I am awed by our cast and production staff, and of course the source material is some of the finest ever brought to the stage. Many people consider Cabaret to be the greatest musical of all time, and it is definitely a musical you can like even if you usually hate musical theatre. And if you miss it, you�ll kick yourself when I become a famous Broadway star sometime over the next couple years, as is my plan.

What good is sitting alone in your room anyway? Right? Life is a Cabaret fer chrissakes, so come see the god damned Cabaret!

(I�m going to continue tormenting you all until you come see it, so there�s no point in resisting)