Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2003 | 9:48 PM

Tonight was my first rehearsal singing with the orchestra, and it was fucking orgasmic.

Oh man. Man o fucking man this show is going to be so powerful. I don�t know how objective I am since I live eat sleep and breathe the damned thing, but from where I stand it�s the best fucking play ever produced.

Opening night is two weeks from Friday kiddos so get your fucking tickets if you haven�t already. Yes, that means you.

I�ve been doing some self reflective analysis re Co-star, and here�s what I have decided�I love this play so much and I love being in the theatre so much and I relate to this part so much that my feelings for Co-Star are an outgrowth of the overwhelming joy and love I have for Cabaret. Yes, the two of us share a phenomenal dynamic onstage. Yes, I am hopelessly attracted to him, most likely because of that dynamic and my no holds barred approach to being enveloped by this role. This is all positive and shows what a damned good job the both of us are doing in creating these characters. If by chance something should happen between us off stage, then that�s cool. If not, that�s also cool. Don�t get me wrong�I have already made up my mind that if given the opportunity I would sleep with Co-Star in a heart beat (strange isn�t it, since I have been so adamant about not actually making love to anyone in the biblical sense since the abortion horror.) Should it occur organically I would relish sleeping with Co-star.

But the play�s the thing. The play is most definitely the thing. And rather than being tormented by the pure physicality of my feelings for co-star, I will continue to put such emotions and desires to good use, where they belong, on stage. Worrying about whether Co-star thinks I�m hott or not is a throwback to my days of feeling undesirable and cast aside. It�s silly. Of course he finds me attractive. I am attractive. I don�t need him to tell me that�he tells me that every time he looks at me and every time he kisses me. When I like someone, I get on this kick that I�m not good enough and how could they ever like me blah blah blah. It�s a bad habit. I�m not 18 years old anymore. This isn�t college. And for fuck�s sake HELLO�I don�t want a �relationship� anyway. In fact, that�s the LAST thing I want.

Oh it feels so good to work so fucking hard on something that I love, something that makes a difference. It feels so good to want to work�not as a duty or an obligation, on something stupid that doesn�t utilize my talents (i.e. The Stupid Company) but on something that doesn�t even feel like work. I spend a good 8-10 hours per day working on Cabaret. If I�m not in rehearsal I�m practicing my lines or songs or writing stories about my character�s life�maybe some day I�ll post them here. I don�t want to give too much away as of yet�I want everyone to see it fresh without preconceptions. But I know this woman inside out. I know her entire life history, her likes and dislikes, her motivations and faults. At this point I can just be her on a dime. I love her. I have such compassion for her. I can�t believe that such an intense complicated meaty role fell in my fucking lap. And that I am working with people who are professionals, who do this for a living. It�s mind boggling.

Christ on a stick I love this play. I can�t say it enough. Sorry to be a broken record. But I haven�t loved anything like this in eons. Nothing has captured my imagination in this way since� well, the last time I was in a show.

Being in this play has been for me like thinking the person you loved more than anything in the world had died, and suddenly one day they walk into your house and you realize it was just a mistake, and you pick right up where you left off in your affair. Only now, having been without your soul mate for so long, you fully appreciate the relationship and you will never be able to take them for granted ever again.

This is going to come across as terribly cold, but I don�t know that I could ever love another human being the way that I love acting. Some people are here to have a family or fall in love. And some people are here to do something specific. I�m one of the latter. I�m glad I finally realized that. It has put everything in perspective, and paradoxically allowed me to be more fully present and loving towards the people that are in my life, now that I�m not looking to them for some satisfaction that nothing but theatre could ever provide me.