Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2003 | 12:09 PM

I can safely say that this has never happened to me before. Today I walked into a door. Dropped my wallet three times. Stopped mid sentence in a conversation having forgotten what I was talking about. Bought a bagel, tried to eat it and then realized within a minute that I couldn�t get a single bite down.

What the hell is wrong with me? This is obscene. OBSCENE. Is this love? Of course it�s not, right? I don�t fucking even know the guy. A week ago I was crushing on Mr. Wonderful. Now I�ve got a full blown case of the crazies for Co-star.

I have officially become retarded. I lose IQ points by the hour. I can�t keep a straight face. I can�t walk can�t talk can�t think can�t eat work write sleep read. This is shameless. Who am I?

Oh�Co-star�s nickname for me is Kid.

How�re ya doin�, kid?, he says and rubs my neck as he walks by. Like he�s Humphrey Bogart and I�m Lauren Bacall.

I wonder if sleeping with him would make this better or worse.

The dangers of method acting.

You know, I need to come back down to fucking earth. These things never work out for me. This shit is bad fucking news for me. Co-star probably doesn�t like me at all.

God I�m fucking shivering. I have the chills. My face is on fire. I�m shaking. Does this actually happen to people? I thought this shit was all a conceit of Hollywood. I�ve never experienced symptoms like this.

Who the hell knew that falling for someone would be like getting the flu.

I�m 26 years old for christ sakes. I spent six years in a marriage like relationship. What the hell is wrong with me that I have suddenly turned into Sandra Dee? I mean, do people get this way when they like a person? Have all of you been getting this way forever when you start liking somebody and I�ve been missing out on it? Did I just think in the past that I liked people but really I didn�t? Because as deep as my affections have been for those I�ve fancied, I have never been paralyzed like this before. It�s an entirely different sort of experience.

And if this is what it�s like to be crazy about somebody, my next question is how in god�s name do people who have feelings for each other like this get along in an ongoing relationship? I mean, how can you even carry on a conversation with someone when the force of the attraction causes your tongue to twist itself into knots even an eagle scout couldn�t untie?

I�m prone to exaggeration (as you all know) but I am really not exaggerating this. I don�t know whether I want it to stop or keep going. I don�t know whether to run for the hills or collapse into his arms. It�s so embarrassing. He�d probably be amused as hell if he knew how I felt about him.

God I�m such a fucking tool.