Wednesday, Apr. 23, 2003 | 9:43 AM

This is absurd. ABSURD. I can�t eat. I can�t sleep. I can�t think straight. It�s delicious and terrible too. And it�s all spill over from being so wrapped up in this part and in this play. But it doesn�t make it feel any less real.

When we�re not onstage, costar and I are friendly and polite. I avoid him because I feel like such a stupid tongue-tied school girl. But when we�re on stage�jesus h christ. I�ve never experienced anything like it. People keep asking me when and if we�re going to hook up. I�m so transparent�I can�t hide anything I feel. It�s written all over my face. Do you have any idea how hard it is to go through life like that? Co-star totally has to know how much I like him. The way he strokes my hand when he holds it. The way he rubs my neck and the way he kisses me. He has to know that it drives me insane. The dynamic works perfectly for our characters. I tell ya�my performance is fucking oscar worthy. This aspect of my role I don�t even have to act.

I�ve been having all manner of enjoyable sexual experiences since January. Many of them have been deeply emotional. And yet nothing has felt quite like this. When costar kisses me, my brain short circuits. I�m usually pretty in control of my feelings to the extent that it�s very easy for me to talk to and be friends with people I�m attracted to. But not since DH in college have I felt so physically blown away by someone.

Most of the time when I really like someone, the attraction is primarily intellectual and emotional. That isn't to say that I don�t also wanna fuck the person�s brains out, but there�s usually a very cerebral element to my romantic longings.

But this is just so physical. The chemistry. The fucking chemistry dude. God, I can�t even write. I can�t imagine having a relationship with someone where I felt this way. I�d never get anything done. I�d become a blubbering gooey mess of sexual desire. I�d never leave my god damned house.