Tuesday, Apr. 15, 2003 | 10:46 AM

Today it is really and truly Spring. The trees are budding. The crocuses are in bloom. And there�s that wonderful smell in the air. I woke up this morning and I still looked pretty. Rarely do I get the Pretty Thing going on two days in a row. I think it�s because I am so full of crushiness. I am wearing one of my favorite dresses and shoes with no socks and my hair�s kinda fly away today.

On the street, there were so many pretty girls and dashingly handsome men and I wanted to stop and waltz with all of them. I can�t help grinning like a complete fool and laughing at inopportune moments. The word of the day ladies and gents is JOY!!!!

Unfortunately tonight at rehearsal we are running Act II. Act II is beyond depressing. It�s nothing but tragedy, and there�s no kissing. I am not in the mood for tragedy today. I have a big Act II scene where I sing a knock out number and I burst into tears. To get myself into that space I have a bag of emotional tricks I rely on�I think about certain episodes from my past, specific images, and I bust up sobbing real easy. It�s actually quite cathartic�a safe way to work through pain.

But today I don�t feel like getting myself into that space at all. I don�t wanna think about anything upsetting when there is so much to enjoy. I�m hoping Director will change her mind and run act I instead.

Right now I am feeling so completely sexual that I am about to turn inside out. I�ll let you in on a little secret�I have not actually had SEX (the old in and out kind) since June of 2002. My last abortion really freaked the living shit out of me and made me very very nervous about screwing. I�ve had multiple sexual experiences with multiple people since then�I�ve done everything but actually have sex because there are just too many risks involved, and besides, there�s so much fun to be had without actually doing it. In fact, since actual fucking has ceased being part of my repertoire, sex has become spontaneous and exploratory and new. It�s nice to spend several hours kissing someone or doing other things� Since the ultimate goal has ceased to be PENETRATION, sex has regained an element of surprise.

For instance the other night was one of the hottest things ever. This boy I made out with started at the tips of my fingers and kissed my palms and up my arm and to my collar bone and my neck and ears kinda biting and nipping while one of his hands just lightly circled my lower back and it took half an hour from the fingers to the ears. And then he bit my neck. I was so turned on I could hardly stand it. I mean I came like crazy from the anticipation�wondering what the heck he was gonna do. Is that hott or what?

None of that would�ve happened I don�t think if I�d agreed to fuck him. Don�t misunderstand me�I love fucking, really I do. Only I think that removing it from the equation forces people to be more creative. Fucking can become pedestrian after awhile.

Anyway though� I don�t think I�ve ever felt so completely sexual in my life. There�s a permanent blush on my face and I feel�powerful. In the past, sex meant validation to me. It was a hunger that was beyond physical. It was about losing myself, losing control, feeling wanted and loved. I felt weak. The physical act of sex was always marvelous. But the concept itself, what it meant in my life, wasn�t really that healthy. And now�

It�s funny�it�s the exact opposite. I feel fully in control of my own wants and appetites�what I will accept and what I won�t. In the past I was unsure of myself. I saw my sexuality as being something outside of me, something that needed to be accessed by another person. I used to be like Snow White�you know, waiting for that kiss to wake me up and make me alive. And now I feel like a sorceress�someone capable of making her own magic, casting her own spells, directing destiny according to her own desires.

I feel kind of witchy and wonderful and lusty, and it shows, I think.

It�s awfully hard to sit at a desk all day when you�re aching with passion.

I want my co-star. Bad.