March 25, 2003 | 10:19 AM

My heart breaks for the families of those who are missing or dead or captured in Iraq, as it goes out to Iraqi civilians and soldiers as well. The whole situation is making me sick, keeping me awake. I can�t stand it. I just hope it ends soon.

I had two very strange and vivid dreams last night.

The first one was a nightmare about my grandmother who was dying of Alzheimer�s (she doesn�t have Alzheimer�s in real life) , she was losing her memory slowly but surely and I was taking care of her. One day, she realized that soon she wouldn�t remember anything anymore and would lose all sense of her individuality. So she threw herself out a window.

I woke up screaming bloody hell from that dream. I love my grandmother so much. She�s getting older and the thought of her not being in my life makes me sick to my stomach.

After I fell back asleep, I dreamed that I was about 35 years old and living in New York City. The dream felt decidedly un-dreamlike�it was like watching a movie�very linear. I was a Broadway actress, less heavy than I am now but not by any means thin. I had blond hair, which oddly enough looked pretty good. I was married to a very serious and shy novelist whom I was desperately in love with. He had a beard and glasses and he was older than me. We had children but I don�t know where they were�they weren�t part of the dream. I was preparing for some kind of dinner party and he was in his study writing. Our apartment was on a nice tree lined street.

When I woke up, I felt so at peace. I�m not saying that I think this is a psychic dream, but it certainly COULD happen. It was three dimensional to me, just out of reach.

If I ever DO get married, it will only after I become wildly successful and self actualized. And the person I marry would also be wildly successful and self actualized and driven and ambitious.

I have decided that next season I am trying out for a Broadway play, because there is actually a part that I am perfect for in a musical�both singing wise and looks wise. So why the fuck not, right?

If you aren�t watching Six Feet Under this season, you are seriously missing out. It�s AMAZING. Yesterday may have been the best episode of the show I have ever seen. I love where they�re going with all the characters, especially Ruth and Nate.