March 26, 2003 | 12:48 AM

Rehearsal tonight was� weird. We�re stumbling through Act I�putting all the pieces together, and it�s awkward. I hadn�t ever rehearsed one of my songs due to time constraints�I always wound up giving up my time to someone who needed it more, and thus tonight I was really put on the spot, having to do it for the very first time ever in front of a large group of people and just faking my way through it. Now, normally this would be fine, except that this song has multiple key changes. Each successive verse starts � a note above the last one, and the accompaniment provides very little guidance as to how to get to each new key change. And besides that, it�s a heavy fucking character song. So I had to concentrate on the blocking and the method and the fucking notes and it just SUCKED. Like, I knew I was sucking hard core all the way through and I hate that. Vocally, I am such a perfectionist. Don�t get me wrong, I wasn�t bad. I could never be bad, but I wasn�t full on ME, and that pissed me off. I will never again forfeit rehearsal time. Being simply adequate is terribly depressing to me. Theatre is the one area in my life where I am a dire perfectionist. I am punctual, prepared, and ready to WOW, and not being that makes me feel terribly defeated. All the accolades I received after the performance of said song couldn�t quell the smoldering SHAME I had for not doing it perfectly.

However, it was lovely to watch numbers by the Kit Kat Girls I hadn�t seen before, and to see how everything hangs together.

This show is going to be beyond excellent. It truly is.

After rehearsal I caught a ride home with my two good Kit Kat friends from the cast. They are so bright and talented. And we have good time gossip sessions and I�m so happy to have met them. They are the chicks in the Two Ladies number. Smart and sassy and gorgeous and fun to be around. Tomorrow night after rehearsal we are supposedly going to get trashed and watch Meet me in St. Louis. I am looking forward.

I am proud of myself because tonight I filed my taxes, and tomorrow I have a teleconference with someone who�s going to help me restructure and get rid of my debt. I hate this debt. And I�m pissed at myself for having incurred it, especially since it also effects someone else�s credit and that weighs heavy on my mind.

Today I talked to my sister on the phone and caught her up on all my romantic comings and goings. She asked me,

So are you dating any of these people?

I replied,

Dating? Like what do you mean?

Long sigh

Like are you involved. Are you um... going out with any of your conquests?

I snorted into the phone.

Honey, I�m never gonna date anyone again if I can help it.

Bethy got mad at me at that point and called me a retard.

But honestly, I�m not saying that in a bitter or cynical way. It�s just that when I think of dating I think of the following:

Constriction

Betrayal

Loss

Disillusionment

Obligation

Responsibility

Infidelity

Sadness

Doubt

Disappointment

Tragedy

Abortion

That�s what �being involved� means to me. I don�t want any of those ties. I don�t need it. I want to feel 100% fulfilled and together before I ever embark on any of that again. I told that to my sister and she said

You�ll never get to that point in your life.

And I retaliated,

Well that�s fine then. I�ll never be involved with anyone again.

And seriously, that�s fine with me. I�ve had enough of that for a lifetime. I think monogamous relationships are fantastical bullshit where one person uses the other to make him or herself feel safe and protected. I think all of that is crap. I know that in some instances it�s not, but overall, my taste for all that has been utterly destroyed. And I�m glad that it has. Don�t get me wrong�I love snuggling and cuddling and sex and romance. But I�ve discovered you can have all of that without committing yourself to anyone else. Besides Jonee, I don�t know a single person in a positive monogamous relationship.

Maybe someday I�ll feel differently. I still have a soft place in my heart for the idea of marriage and family, but that whole scenario has taken a back seat to the concept of real achievement. Of actually doing something with my life. I feel so driven right now. And everything else has to take a back seat to that.

Love is wonderful. Sex is wonderful. Commitment (no offence) is for middlebrow chumps. Ok, not everyone. But most people.

Fer christ sakes people. Be young. Have fun. Drink Pespi. Don�t settle for playing house.