March 14, 2003 | 10:52 AM

Have you ever seen the movie, Tree�s Lounge? If not, you really ought to. It is written, directed by and stars Steve Buscemi. The plot centers on the life of a hopeless drunk loser wasting away in a small town.

Buscemi said the premise of the script revolved around a central question in his life��What would have happened to me if I hadn�t gone into acting?�

This is a statement I relate to strongly, although our circumstances are of course quite different. Since I�ve gotten back involved in theatre, since I started working on Cabaret I realized that acting saves my life. Without it, I am functioning at only half capacity. I need it.

I was telling this to Josh the other night. I have so much energy and intensity and it needs focus. It needs to be directed into something specific. Otherwise, it�s like I�m lost in the storm of my own personality. I mean, I�m an actress for christ sakes�I need drama. So when I don�t have a drama to act out onstage, I think I subconsciously create it in my life. I mean, my whole fucking existence could�ve been scripted by Sophocles for Christ sakes.

When I walked away from acting (primarily because I felt so terrible about myself and figured no one in their right mind would cast someone so horrible looking) I walked away from my own heart. I became deadened inside, and I attempted to seek the validation acting had provided me through other people�s praise and attention. But it was never enough, of course. And so I continued to feel worse and worse.

When that validation finally dried up, I realized I needed to make some kind of major change�this was late January. I realized I needed to take some big risks or I might as well just lay down and die.

When I walked into that audition, I seriously expected to be laughed off the stage. I told this to Singing Girl the other night. She laughed her ass off.

Are you kidding? Why?

Because of the way I look.

She stared at me blankly.

What are you talking about?

I felt myself flush.

Because of my size.

Singing Girl shook her head and rolled her eyes. Then she said some stuff that I can�t write here because I�d be betraying a confidence, but let�s just skip ahead and say that what she said made me feel really wonderful.

But anyway� I have realized that theatre is the most important thing in my life. It is absolutely what I am here to do. I have to be working�all the time. When I�m working, I am rational. I am objective. I am sane and together and full of joy. I need it.

So tonight I�m on a bus to NYC and won�t be updating until I get back Sunday. Tomorrow is my birthday. YAY!

OK Dudes. Get this shit. Jude Law and Colin Farrel are going to star in a remake of Brideshead Revisted. I am so stoked! The two hottest men on the planet portraying the two hottest characters in one of the most satirical novels ever written. Man that�s gonna be fucking awesome.

Last night I watched Sense and Sensibility after having had several glasses of wine. God I love that movie. I am such a sucker for costume drama romances, which is kinda funny since my take on true love and monogamy has changed drastically.

I have not had a Mr. Wonderful sighting in almost a week. And I am going through withdrawal. I want him so badly that sometimes it makes me feel sick.