March 05, 2003 | 4:40 PM

I don�t trust people who are totally quiet during sex. I find that really strange and off putting. How can you be quiet when all these amazing things are going on in your body? I�m not saying you have to chatter the whole time (that would be just as bad) or make a lot of fake moaning sounds, but there should be noise of some sort.

Personally, I really like receiving compliments in bed. That makes me less inhibited and allows me to enjoy myself more and to ravish you all the better. So please, tell me I�m beautiful or that I�m giving you the best blow job you�ve ever had or about how much you love being inside me or how wonderful my lips feel on your breatss.

Unless of course you�re one of those uber-sincere sensitive pony-tail types like Piano-Guy, the boy I lost my virginity to. I don�t know what it was�something about him was so drippy that when he�d say things like

I could suck on your legs for hours

I�d just about burst out laughing. Whereas perhaps if someone else said it, it might be really really hott.

I guess you have to know what kind of person you are and what you can get away with saying. Most people don�t trust themselves enough. Most people don�t think they can get away with saying really hott or poetic or raunchy things in bed. So they don�t. Which is a shame. Because it�s the people who just say shit all the time that they think is really hott (The Above Piano Guy) who are really just boring, should shut the fuck up and concentrate on sticking it in the right hole.

Most people aren�t nearly as aggressive as they ought to be. People are so shy and pussy foot around and get offended. I�m so happy when I finally meet someone who�ll just take the chance and kiss me if they want to instead of asking politely or being a big pussy about it. I want you to knock me off my feet. Hell, I want you to slam me against a wall and whisper in my ear about how badly you want to rip off my dress.

Just take the fucking chance for christ sakes. What do we have to lose? If by some bizarre chance I,m not attracted to you (which I probably am) or am not in the mood, I�ll tell you and no hard feelings, �kay?

Once I was sleeping with someone (whom I�ve only bedded once) and right in the middle of it he stopped fucking me and he said

Look at me. Just look at me.

And we both stopped and stared right into each other�s eyes for like thirty seconds. And then we started kissing wildly, madly, teeth clickingly. It was so hott.

Come on people, be HOTT. I want you to. I�m asking for it. Surprise me.