March 01, 2003 | 7:18 AM

I�m drunk so this isn�t going to be the most intelligent analytical concert review.

I was waiting for Debbie to come pick me up and she called saying she�d be late�

Let me meet you at the show�

Sure. No problem. I�ll just drink a bottle and a half of cabernet and listen to Beck�s Sea Changes. No problem.

Several costume changes and sobs later�

Made it to the Middle East right on time despite the cheap liquor and sentiment running through my veins. Met up with Debbie and Kelly, both of whom were wearing pink sweatshirts and hence were impossible to miss. Via the two of them, met up with sileehed, whom I�ve long admired. That was like a celebrity sighting.

Made our way into the crowd. Ingested cheap Bud and indured the ridiculous post modern-pre show�something about a guy interacting with a T.V. Ignored it while fooling around and sipping from plastic cups, jockeying for a place in the crowd.

Finally, the Dresden Dolls came on.

The place was wall to wall people. And for good reason. The Dresden Dolls are the fucking shit.

Dude. The Dresden Dolls, in case you didn�t hear me, ARE THE SHIT. They are so phenomenally talented�just the two of them, she on piano, he on drums. The chemistry between them is just� it�s beyond anything.

I twirled. I swooned. I drowned in her Jonette Nepolitano vocals and their Cure meets Kurt Weil melodies. They are gonna be BIG.

And then, I had to leave. Started feeling claustrophobic and horribly sad. Started thinking about the BAND THAT SHALL FOREVER MORE REMAIN NAMELESS and how good we were and could�ve been with a little effort. How little it meant. And how now it�s fucking gone.

Gone daddy gone, love is gone�

And I mean, in a sense it doesn�t matter. In the sense that it wasn�t my ticket out or anything. I mean, I have theater. I have a big fucking role in a real show. And things are shakin� for me. Dude, in case you haven�t heard, I�m a Star. (Hah hah)

But just sad that what we had is never gonna see the light of day, and that it wasn�t really important after all�just a sideline, just something to do, just a partner who happened to be hanging around. How I thought, how everyone who saw us once a pony time, thought it was magic. How it seemed at one point in my life to be something transcendent between us. And how that was just overall indicative of what was really between us. How it all burnt out before it was even realized.

That above all else, above all the personal shit and how it disintegrated (won�t mention it from here on out, gonna keep all that tucked in the treasure trove of my subconscious)� it was just burnt paper�that�s what kills me. Because it�s that which survives� The ART. And it was � poof�just nothing, really, after all. After all, it was ashes and silliness.

And that, drunk on a couple beers and brooding, made me leave the club and hail a cab.

And there aren�t any recordings. There is no concept album. There�s no development. After awhile it stopped mattering, though it continued to matter to me until it tore my heart wide open. I thought it would matter forever onward.

Watching those two, those Dresden Dolls�and they are really incredible; I strongly recommend seeing them live�I started feeling sick. What a waste. What a fucking waste. Started thinking about how I realized US was never gonna materialize into anything real. Started thinking about how what we were drifts away from me, a canoe in the fog that I wave to as it becomes less and less opaque�more and more transparent, that it becomes something I care less and less about. And how terribly horribly upsetting that is. Because it actually after all meant something. That it was beautiful and miraculous, and how as each day passes, it becomes less and less relevant, unil someday, it will be nothing at all.

And I�m afraid. I�m afraid of looking back on it and shrugging, summing it all up in a sentence� �hope that I�ll get the role of Joanne in �Company or the Evonne DeCarlo role in Follies and strangely enough, those things are happening now.

Oh I once dated this boy and he played guitar. And you know, we used to write songs and sing together-- don't laugh!-- once we even played that club in New York-- you know the one, darling-- the one where the Ramones played?. Ah, what fun. I wonder what ever happened to him�