February 28, 2003 | 2:45 PM

OK�

I very seldom make fun of things that other people have written online. But this is just too much.

There is actually Caroline in the City Fan Fiction.

Of ALL the shows to write trashy porn stories about. I could always understand the Star Trek SLASH, or the XXX Scully/Moulder tales of debauchery� as such pieces merely highlight the pre-existing subtext of sexual aggression that permeates most sci-fi.

But Caroline in the City? Somebody fantasizes about Caroline in the City? Somebody is invested enough in those characters to use them as their jumping off point for masturbatory revelry? I mean, WHAT is this world coming to when people�s sexual and romantic imaginations have become so bland that their fantasies revolve around two boring cookie cutter characters in a sub-relevant middlebrow sit com from the mid nineties?

Can�t people think of anything BETTER to fantasize about? I mean even TV wise. Even SIT-COM wise?

What about the entire cast of Hogan�s Heroes getting it on in a huge orgy?

Or Mary-Anne and Ginger getting smashed on some aphrodisiac coconut juice and going down on each other on in the surf while Gilligan, the Skipper, and The Millionaire surround them in a circle jerk?

Or how about Alf making love to a gaggle of cats before eating them?

I mean, COME ON PEOPLE. Am I only the only person who is titillated by the obscene, the naughty, the dirty? I am ashamed that in this great country of ours, we are so god damned pedestrian that our idea of HOTT HOTT HOTT is CAROLINE IN THE FUCKING CITY.

I think we all need to get a little more down �n� dirty, kidz. So�Put your pens to paper and write me a 100 word description of George and Elaine blowing Uncle Leo. I want it on my desk by five.

Or you�ll get a spanking.