February 25, 2003 | 2:25 PM

I am soooo glad that sooooo many people have written me with guestbook/email comments re Alan Cumming, who is officially (besides the real boy I�ve fallen madly passionately marvelously head over heels in unrequited love/lust with) my vote for the world�s most desirable man.

What exactly is it about Allen? First of all there�s the fact that he can actually act. He played Hamlet at a very young age and performed in Tartuffe as well. He�s classically trained and devoted to the theater and those boys always fucking kill me (i.e. Burton and Harris and O�Toole in their primes�YOW)

BUT, even though he�s an amazing actor, he also stars in some silly fun movies, my favorite of which being his phenomenal turn as Sandy Frink in Romy and Michelle�s High School Reunion. DREAMY.

He�s devilishly clever (love that word�devilish.) and zany and not afraid to make fun of himself. There�s something impish about him but also kind of dark, even a little sleazy.

I bet you that he would kiss you with such perverse subtlety that you could feel that kiss ripple all the way down from your mouth into the pit of your stomach, down down down where you�d tingle and pulse, past your nether regions, then into your knocking knees and finally your feet, and then that kiss would be so powerful it would shoot out your toes and take out half of Manhattan like a missile.

I bet you Alan Cumming�s tongue does phenomenal things. I bet you that Alan Cumming can make a girl moan longer than Ethel merman held that middle C in �I Got Rhythm�. I bet you Alan Cumming would pin your wrists while he went down on you. I bet you Alan Cumming would stroke you very lightly and slowly from your breast bone down to your belly while he looked right dead in your eyes, and whispered in that puckish sexy Scottish accent of his,

do you want me to fuck you now, love?

I wanna do Alan Cumming in his MC outfit, with the make-up and (Jessica, I agree with you) bruise. I wanna suck on that bruise and give him more bruises. GOD, ALLEN CUMMING YOU DEVILISHLY CLEVER BEAUTIFUL BI SEXUAL GOD.

Ok�I think I really need to get fucked again today. Sorry to be crass, but that�s just the way it is.