February 10, 2003 | 3:22 PM

It's not like I'm never going to see Sean and Danni again. I had a great time and I should leave it at that and appreciate that I have such wonderful people in my life.

But now that they've gone, I feel so horribly horribly sad and alone. And my sister is leaving in two days too. And Debbie is leaving soon. And I've lost so many people lately. I know that sometimes you need to clear away aspects of you life to create more room for new experiences and challenges. And that sometimes even when things happen that seem bad they work out for everyone's best interest. It's all about hindsight, and nobody knows how anything will play out. I never would have thought everything that's happened over the past month-- truths that have been brought to light, the sexual situations, getting a lead role in Cabaret, connecting with Sean in the way that I have-- none of this ever would have occurred to me in a million years as being possible. And yet, there it is. Who knows how the hell anything will turn out? I continue to learn more and more and I feel really fortunate for much of what's happened. There's been a great deal of healing that's taken place.

But that doesn't mean some of it isn't hurting like hell.

Right now I wish Sean and Danni were here. I would hug them both for hours if I could. I can't believe my sister is leaving. And I'm glad for Debbie, but selfishly I'm horribly sad that she's going.