February 10, 2003 | 6:08 PM

I of course may feel completely different about this a year from now, but I just want to expound upon my current feelings re Romantic Monogamous Relationships.

I think they absolutely fucking suck.

And I�m not saying that out bitterness or envy or any of that. I just really and truly think they suck and I never ever want to be in another one ever again. Being single, and REALLY being single has been one of the most liberating experiences I�ve ever had.

Let me explain. I think human beings are constantly in a state of flux and growth, and that when people try to govern relationships with a set of rules and codes of behavior, you are inhibiting the natural evolution of self and emotion. There can be no spontaneity, no surprise when everyone has their role to play. I think Romantic Relationships lead to despair and disillusionment and betrayal. I think people force each other to play out roles based on security and possession as opposed to love. Love is a free thing. It shouldn�t be bound by anything. It simply exists. There shouldn�t be any rules tied to it. That�s how it starts� as a free exchange. And then all this other crap gets attached to it based on what you can and can�t do.

If I hadn�t believed in certain codes of what acceptable behavior, I never ever would have been hurt in the way I was (and still am.) I never would have tried to own someone�s experience or feelings. I never would have relied on people the way that I did or had expectations based on years of conversations and experience. I never would have lost relationships that meant the world to me. And I would have been able to handle certain situations with much greater self knowledge.

Sean and I had a big talk�or rather several big talks, about sex this past weekend. And he said something like how sex was the last great undiscovered country for him�that he was still constantly surprised by it and his feelings and responses to it. I feel the same exact way. I don�t think I ever gave myself the chance to really enjoy and experience sex fully, even though I�ve always loved it, simply because there were all these expectations and rules of etiquette that had to be followed. And I was always so worried about being sold short or betrayed.

I will never be at a point where I will trust someone again in the context of a romantic relationship, nor would I trust myself to follow any rules or guidelines. And I don�t mean that in a victimized way. I mean that I think people need to do what they need to do in order to grow, and if someone says something like �I�d never cheat on you.� Or �I�d never fuck your best friend.� I simply won�t believe them. Because people change their minds and all kinds of things can happen.

I want to explore people�s bodies and souls. I want to learn about my own body and soul. I don�t want to hem in myself or anyone else. That�s where all the bullshit happens. That�s how relationships disintegrate. That�s what causes all the pain and and makes real connection impossible.

The only reason I could ever see myself getting married or involved with anyone ever again would be if I wanted to have kids. And even then I think I�d probably have an open marriage. I don�t believe in one great Love. I love all my friends. I think they are all attractive and beautiful creatures. But I think the putting people on some elevated pedestal and making them some kind of centerpiece in your life is total crap.

I know other people have different experiences and I think that�s great�I am always in awe of someone like Jonee who seems to have a beautiful romantic relationship. But for the most part, I see people in relationships becoming less than they are and inhabiting themselves more and using the rerlationship as a flotation device on a stormy personal life.

Love needs air and water and sunlight to grow. You can�t just shut it in a closet and expect any flowering.