February 09, 2003 | 5:38 PM

You know what? I am so god damned sick of losing people. I lost my father to a heart attack and my two best friends to AIDS and Cancer respectively. I watched my mother whittle away under the abusive dominance of her ex-husband who stole thousands and thousands of dollars from our family. I�ve seen friends fade out like the chord at the end of A Day In the Life I�ve slept in airports and eaten nothing but potatoes for days on end. I watched my ex boyfriend mack on a co-ed while I was pregnant, and I heard about him and my best friend shacking up together and giving me the old kiss off.

The people I love fade away like construction paper valentines left in a moldy basement. And so I understand more than you could possibly know how you feel. I shuttled around from apartment to apartment and I had no home and nothing to wear but one dingy red dress that wasn�t washed for six months at a time, and I was told I was ugly and unwanted and like a stupid little puppy dog, I clung on and on to someone who never loved me at all. I found out all about cheating and lies and abandonment and still I hung on. I watched people who were healthy and present cave in and become their own sadness and defeat. I watched my Godfather who�d escaped from the Nazis and hid with gypsies in the woods until he could escape to America�I watched him so defiant and healthy and courageous, give in to leukemia. I watched the heart monitor go blank. I watched him give out and in, the blood rushing from his face, the fight leaving his body.

I�ve watched the heart monitor go blank on almost everyone I�ve ever loved�in some way or another they either leave, or they die. That�s it That�s my life. And I�ve learned a shit load, and I truly appreciate each experience I�ve encountered, be it watching my ex-roomate beat the living shit out of his girlfriend, or realizing that my best friend and so called love of my life were fucking each other for who knows how long.

I don�t know what to make of things anymore. I don�t know what to believe. I�ve gotten to a point where I cannot stand any more loss, and yet it comes and comes. And I understand where you are. And worse Debbie, I know that I was a part of it�even though in a million years I never would have wanted to be. The fact that I hurt you makes me cringe and die inside, even though hurting you is the last thing I'd ever have wanted to do. I cannot stand to lose any more and I hope you know I love you.