January 10, 2003 | 10:10 AM

I often have the sense that the �Me� people meet at parties or know a little from work or school is an infinitely more likeable and interesting person than the �Me� who I actually am. In fact, I can safely say that the more anyone gets to know me, the less they like me.

I�m wary of getting to know anyone too well for that reason; it always backfires. The initially Super Ego Me comes across as so confident, poised and together. Whenever I strike up a conversation with someone at a soiree or meet a new person through his/her significant other, I am usually well liked right away and get the old �I think we should hang out and be friends blah blah blah� speech.

At first I am always overjoyed by this, but I should remind myself to be more wary. Because once people actually gets to know me, they are surprised by how neurotic, high-strung, needy, and insecure I am, and they usually don�t want to be my friend anymore or at least they don�t want to be as good friends as they originally thought they might like to be.

It�s pretty depressing. I wish I could be that Super Ego me all the time�it�s not that it�s fake or a put on or something. Only that it�s such a slight fraction of my personality, but such a nice dazzling piece�I don�t want to sound pompous, but that SuperEgo Me is a fucking star. She sings like a nightingale and cracks jokes like Sophie Tucker and can discuss Good Books and is nice and friendly to everyone. People totally dig her. But they don�t dig me�the girl who freaks out and has temper tantrums. The one who gets so depressed she can sit and stare at a wall for eight hours straight. The girl who needs constant reminders that she is loved. The one who can�t deal with criticism and on and on.

I remember reading something about Marilyn Monroe saying she felt completely divorced from her public persona�that there was a schism between Norma Jean Dougherty and Marilyn. And I feel like that.

Occasionally, I meet someone when I don�t have my My SuperEgo Face on (like when I met many of John�s friends from the Stupid Company after I�d gotten laid off from there and the Me Superego Mask was hanging in the back closet along with My Will to Live) and I am instantly disliked. Going out in public without my SuperEgo mask is like leaving the house entirely naked save for a pair of mismatched socks.

Outside of my family, I can think of just two other people who have seen Me without the SuperEgo mask on and liked that person better, and that would be Jenn and Angus. As many issues as I�ve had with Angus and as weird and fucked up as our relationship has been, I�ve always known that he accepted me exactly as I am. I think because he�s had similar personality issues, and perhaps to an even greater extent than I have.

So I guess I�m lucky for that anyway.