Tuesday, Sept. 07, 2004 | 10:59 AM

I spent Sunday night in Vermont with my mother and sister. We stayed at a resort in the mountains. We swam and shopped and ate the best dinner ever at this little country Inn (I had baked Vermont Ham. Holy Christ.) The next day my sister went back to college and my Mom dropped me off at the Albany bus station.

I got back to my apartment at around 5:30 last night. I cleaned a bit and listened to the Kinks� Village Green Preservation Society which is my new favorite album of the moment. I had a drink in the kitchen and started day dreaming and then Matt came through the backdoor around 8:30.

When I saw him I gasped and started to shake and love just rushed over me more powerfully than any of the ocean waves that knocked me down again and again while I was in Virginia Beach. I tends to intellectualize my emotions a lot�think them through rather than just feel them, so I treasure moments like that where I am hit with a sensation that is beyond my thought processes or verbal abilities (an aside�I think one of the reasons I used to drink so much was because I was desperately trying to quiet the constant editorial commentary running through my brain that has been the defensive filter for all personal experience in my life.)

Anyway� I don�t think I�ve ever seen anyone more beautiful than Matt was last night with his shaggy honey colored hair and his big dark eyes.

It was a very very special evening. I love being engaged. I love knowing that I�m going to spend the rest of my life with someone so utterly wonderful.

This morning we woke up and held each other and talked for awhile and then I went back to work and he went back to his apartment.

I look and feel different�better. I think that with the help of my very caring, giving, and almost psychically understanding lover and through my own efforts, I am finally kicking this eating disorder. I actually feel better physically now than I have since I was 18. Everything is crystallizing in so many wonderful ways, and as I go through the process of cleaning out all the cobwebs from my past, I feel renewed again and again.

Our wedding is going to be so beautiful.