Wednesday, Sept. 01, 2004 | 4:08 PM

I don�t know what�s wrong with me but I feel depressed today. I miss Matt. I haven�t seen him since August 20th (because I�m on vacation) and at first it was fine, but now I really really miss him. We�ve talked on the phone every day for at least an hour (often two.) But today he�s moving to his new apartment and he doesn�t yet have phone access, nor does he know when he will have it. Without him I feel like there�s a hole in my life. Is that pathological? Is there something wrong with me? He�s the only person in my entire life ever who has completely understood me, and with whom I feel entirely comfortable sharing any feeling I have. He�s never defensive, always accepting. And I love him so much. He constantly impresses and surprises me with his wit, integrity, honesty, and courage.

Last night I had two bad dreams. One of which was about my friend who broke her neck, and her sister who died. That upsets me more and more. When I first heard about it, I think I was in shock and it didn�t really register it entirely. Now it�s sinking in, and empathically I just feel so terrible for that family. And helpless. And of course, selfishly it reminds me of my own mortality and fragility, and the mortality and fragility of those that I love. Bad things always seem to happen to people I care about when I go on vacation or am away. I worry about Matt. The thought of losing him makes me physically nauseous.

The other bad dream I had started with me getting a bunch of prostitutes and somehow sleeping with them gave me magical powers that caused me to be really attractive. After screwing them, I was supposed to go to work at Harvard but instead I went to The Stupid Company and tried to make someone there impressed with me. I was doggedly determined to win this person�s love which of course did not work.

I woke up in a cold sweat crying and feeling terrible�like I used to feel all the time a few years ago. I told my sister about it and she suggested something about how I felt like I always had to sell myself or prostitute myself in the context of that relationship. Makes sense and is true, but why I am I dreaming about that now? Haven�t I already come to terms with this nonsense? And why is it that the damage I shored up in my early twenties still haunts and infects my life currently when I am really happy and actually am loved and adored for exactly who I am?

I feel badly for Matt that he has to deal with my still neurotic pathology over my own worth. He is always so wonderful about it and I HAVE gotten so much better�maybe I should pat myself on the back for what I have accomplished as opposed to beating myself up for things that obviously aren�t entirely healed yet.

Anyway, I hate feeling lie this and I really don�t know what to do about it. I wish I could talk to Matt and I can�t. Which is probably why I am writing here. The problem is, diaryland isn�t real and can�t give anything back.