Friday, Jul. 30, 2004 | 2:07 PM

Depression is an insidious thing. It�s run through my life like a black thread, disrupting the otherwise bright pattern.

My mother has it. My father had it. My grandmother suffers from it. I suffer(ed?) from it.

And someone whom I love is caught in its midst.

Ahhhh�. So THIS is what it must have been like for people to deal with me when I was going through An episode�

I thought to myself yesterday.

It�s so hard when you love someone so much and you want to take their pain away. You want to help them as much as you can. You want to make everything alright. And then you realize that you simply don�t have that kind of power. So you settle for cheap bullshit quick fixes.

I�ve been running myself ragged, spoiling him rotten, cloaking him in every ounce of love and protection that I can muster. But all the expensive nights out and the homemade meals and the sex and cuddling and soothing don�t make this dark fucking bastard disease go away.

You can�t fix anyone.

Depression is an insidious, horrible illness and I hate it.

I don�t know what�s harder�having it or watching someone you love suffer, but I�d bet it�s the later.