Tuesday, Jun. 15, 2004 | 2:50 AM

I want to tell the whole story of the weekend �cause it was so magical and perfect, and I WILL tell it. I�m gonna sit myself down over the next day or so and just tell the damn story�not like it�s going to be that interesting, �cause it won�t be�the details are standard. It�s not like I escaped the assassination attempt of a ninja or found buried treasure in a secret passageway.

But it WAS magical. It was the most magical couple of days I�ve ever spent. I know I�m hyperbole queen but I�m hard pressed to think of anything in my personal life that has ever equaled this past weekend�my professional life is a different story, but that�s a whole other tangent.

Anyway� my point is that I want to write it all out, the way I used to write out SAGA entries. But I can�t right now. I just don�t have the patience for detail.

Soon. SOON. I have to get it all down on paper while it�s still fresh.

Coming back to the real world today was weird. Magical experiences like this past weekend illuminate all those areas in your life that just aren�t right. All the things you�ve gotten complacent about, that you�ve chosen to accept�those toxic moments that are incorporated into day to day existence. The stuff you�ve gotten so good at grinning at and bearing. Suddenly, they aren�t quite so fucking bearable anymore.

How do you temper the blessedness of comfort and stability with what you KNOW makes you happy? Because every moment today that I sat at my desk and wrote crisp professional emails and made lists of tasks to accomplish while racking up my 20 dollars an hour, the memory of the four poster bed in our hotel room and eating strawberry parfaits and drinking champagne and playing guitar and singing With A Little Help From My Friends and making love over and over again whenever we goddamn felt like it, just made the mendacity of this workaday life seem irreconcilable with what I should be doing. It�s not that I mind working hard. At band practice or at play rehearsal I�m a banshee from hell in terms of work ethic-- there�s no place I�d rather be and nothing I�d rather be doing.

But I cannot stand just being a glorified wage slave. Even if it is for Harvard University.

I see this whole life looming in front of me where everything is music and theater and being with Matt�having our children and our cats and our house and our sacred special world that no one else can touch. And I want it NOW. I just have to be patient and work towards it�which I am doing. And I know it�s there waiting for me. But getting a glimpse of it�what the world is like when it�s just he and I and our imaginations and the love that burns so brightly between us, and then having to go back to this reality where there are demands on my time and energy that I simply do not want�it�s fucking hard.

And of course I�m thinking about Matt graduating next May and what that means. And there�s a terrible pang of fear in my heart over that. I know this is most likely pathology because Matt is who he is�which is a fucking driven ambitious man with a will that won�t quit. But there�s this part of me that�s holding my breath and waiting for him to sell out. I don�t want to see the spark that is such a part of why I love him get stamped out by Real Life. I don�t want to see him wind up giving up on himself. And I don�t think he will. He doesn�t settle for anything. But I�m still terrified of it.

Goddamn these tests that the good lord keeps throwing my way.

I know how lucky I am. I thank God a thousand times a day for all the blessings in my life. And I know I sound like a spoiled brat complaining about the most mundane shit. But I want MORE than passing the goddamned day away.

I simply don�t want to settle for less than complete bliss. Why is that so crazy?