Saturday, Mar. 06, 2004 | 11:09 AM

Things are very very weird right now and I feel like I�m at a signifigant turning point so here goes.

Firstly, I hate my job. It�s a good job and I�m lucky to have it but I fucking hate it. This has been a gradual process but I�m definitely at the �Fuck This� stage and there�s no going back. The more I become �myself�, the less I fit in here. I am too rock �n� roll for this place and I hate having to keep my rock �n� roll self under wraps. It feels like a big fucking lieand way too much effort. I mean, what am I doing sitting at a desk? I should be onstage or backstage or what have you. I have to get out of here. I am on the verge of snapping and throwing a fit. Plus, everyone is far less cool and nice to me than they used to be. I don�t even feel like I can ask to take time off or even go to the doctor�s. It sucks. I never want to work a day job again, but since that�s probably not the way it�s all gonna shake down right now, I gotta find something that�s way artier than this. So I�m looking at various art schools and such. And I don�t care if it�s less money. Fuck the money. I want more time and less bullshit.

And then I�m in love and it�s great but it sucks so much too and I don�t know what to do about it because I�m so overwhelmed I can�t even see straight.

And then there�s the fact that every fucking day is like a fifteen hour day and I am on th verge of collapse 9I�m at work right now on a goddamned Saturday and then I have rehearsal and then I have to do laundry and grocery shopping which I haven�t done in wayyyyyy to long.)

I love my band. I love my play. I love my peeps. I can�t fucking stand being on the edge of exhaustion and I am resenting my job so much that pretty soon I�m going to snap and walk out and never come back.