Monday, Feb. 23, 2004 | 9:42 AM

Last night was band practice again.

We grow exponentially with each practice. Yesterday was the first time all three of us talked together about how fucking amazing this is and that none of us have ever musically experienced anything like it.

Matt is going down to check out the practice space this evening.

The two of us had a very interesting conversation prior to Kara coming down. We were talking about the Mamas and the Papas and about how Cass loved Denny. Matt said something about how Cass was really dishonest in not telling him her true feelings. And I countered with � why should she tell him her feelings if she knew he couldn�t deal with them and it would only serve to make him uncomfortable? Then Matt answered me by stating that discomfort is better than lying, and asking how genuine could their friendship have been if she was keeping something so big from him.

I feel like kind of a heel in the wake of that discussion. Am I being a dishonest jerk by not coming out and explicitly stating how I feel about him? I�m happy with how things are and I don�t want to ruin them. And I don�t think he really understands what it means to love someone the way that I love him, which is not about wanting anything specific from him but is rather about wanting more than anything for him to be happy and fulfilled. Explaining my emotional state to him would be like trying to explain aerospace engineering to a little kid. I don�t mean that condescendingly at all, although I know it sounds that way�he�s the most wonderful lovely beautiful human being on the planet and I love him more than anything. But we are speaking different languages when it comes to what romantic love is. If I told him that I love him in that way, he would think I have all these expectations and needs attached to that, which I don�t. Probably at some point we�ll have to have a discussion about it, but the time isn�t right now. I would rather just take care of him in the best way I know how, than fuck our friendship up by introducing any awkwardness. I�d rather let things unfold naturally than force them into any particular direction.

And the band is doing so so so SO well right now. Our chemistry together is phenomenal. I don't wantto fuck anything up.