Saturday, Feb. 21, 2004 | 7:49 PM

Yesterday was a good day.

After work I hightailed it over to The Stupid Company to give John something, and while there I got to see Seth and Mike and Connor and that made my year. I have missed those peeps so much. Seth showed me pictures of his beautiful daughter and Mike and I talked music. John and I made plans to hang out next week, and I just felt so light and free because I have no animosity anymore about that place. Why should I? It�s great when you�re totally over something. It was also really good to go back there being on such solid footing in my own life, and being able to answer the question, �What have you been up to lately?� proudly. Because I have all (well, most anyway) of my shit together. I�m on a roll.

From there I went home and practiced Company music as well as music for the band. That took a couple of hours. Then, I spent some good quality time with Angus.

You know, I haven�t thought about Angus that much lately because I�ve been so busy and we don�t see each other as often anymore�my schedule is pretty insane and I�m usually not home until really late. He�s also been seeing someone�my choreographer, actually�she�s a lovely person. She�s a grown up and she�s done a world of good for him. She definitely earns my seal of approval as a girlfriend prospect�I adore her. But because of that relationship, he�s not around the apartment that much either and we pretty much keep missing each other. Thus, I�ve been taking him for granted. Yesterday got me back in touch with just how important Angus is to me and how meaningful our friendship is. He is definitely someone I would consider a soul mate�someone whose love and loyalty I think I�ll be able to count on for the rest of my tenure on this planet, and someone who has their own special VIP room in my heart.

We made fish and chips for dinner and drank some wine. I played him the tape of all my band�s stuff and he was really impressed; actually, he loved it. That made me feel good. We had an intense talk about all sorts of subjects, watched a little of The Stendahl Syndrome and Mr. Show and unfortunately I had to call it an early night because I was exhausted from my intense week and also was gearing up for today�s rehearsal; I wanted to be fresh as a daisy for that.

So this afternoon�s Company rehearsal was another music rehearsal and it went fabulously well. All of the practicing I did really paid off. We worked on the first number again; if you know the show, then you know that first number is fucking nuts. Six part dissonant harmonies and multiple countermelodies, etc. But I totally held my own and more so. And my neurotic anxiety (I�ve been having nightmares about that damned song all friggin� week) abated fully. It�s so good for me to learn how to sing in that kind of ensemble, and I am thankful for the chance to do so.

I originally had a date tonight with Liz, Matt�s sister, to go see a punk show, but when I got out of rehearsal I realized I was fucking shot. I did something I NEVER do which is cancel plans (I hate it when people cancel on me so it's a rare occasion that I pull that.)

I've been running myself ragged all week, and have dropped very much into my own workaholic mode. All this week, other than hanging out with Angus last night, getting together with Matt on Wednesday to work on Freeing the Natural Voice stuff, and having coffee with Liz on Thursday prior to band practice, I've either been at my job, at Company rehearsal, or at band practice. All of my "spare" time has been spent doing band related activities or Company related activities (practicing music on my own, looking into practice spaces, scouring for drummers/keyboardists, etc.)�and don�t get me wrong�it�s been GREAT. My heart has caught fire with all of the creative endeavors I have going on, and my whole self has been utterly devoted to them.

However, I've hardly gotten any sleep and my body is on the edge of exhaustion�I feel like I'm on the verge of coming down with the flu. I felt terrible canceling on Liz because I know how hard she takes stuff like that, and normally I would have just pushed through it to make her happy (plus I love her and would enjoy spending time with her) but considering everything I have going on, I can't afford to get sick.

When I have projects that I am really excited about like Company and like the band, everything else takes a backseat. It's not an obligation thing or a duty thing�it's just that music and theater and the process of creating are really where my heart is.

I hate it when "Real Life" (whatever that is) has to get sacrificed for the good of my work, but I am so bad about adhering to my own physical needs anyway (i.e. sleeping, eating healthfully and so forth) that when my body starts to give out I REALLY have to heed its warning signals.

I feel like when I�m at my personal best, I�m a total workaholic. I have all this intense energy that needs to be focused somewhere and when I don�t have �projects� going on to which I can devote my entire heart and soul, I instead direct that energy towards the realm of personal relationships. Such intense and ultra focused power when aimed at something as fragile as the connection between two people, winds up being a force for utter destruction.

I think if I were to ever have a serious romantic relationship again, it would have to be with someone whose heart is in their work. Someone who really has their shit together and is religiously passionate about something else besides me, but is conversely wholly and totally into me in a romantic sense and doesn�t have a roaming eye. I would need to be involved with someone who felt they had a calling�that they were here on this planet for a reason. Optimally, I think it would be another musician or actor�someone with whom I was in a band or something.

One thing I love about Matt is that he gets all of that. He�s someone who all day long is writing songs in his head, who is wholeheartedly devoted to this band. He dreams big and he acts on those dreams. I don�t think we�ll ever have a �romantic� relationship�it�s just not in our stars. But I�m glad to have gotten to know and love someone who has that quality of concentration. His friendship is a gift from the heavens. Now it�s just a matter of meeting someone who has those qualities, and who also is (unlike Matt) capable of emotionally giving in the same way that I am. Once I meet that person, it�s all over kids.

Next weekend, Matt and I are getting together for a marathon evening. We�re cooking dinner together, doing Freeing the Natural Voice stuff, and then he�s going to do scene work with me for Company.

Tomorrow is band practice, for which I am ridiculously psyched. Band practice is like going to church. So is rehearsal for Company. I feel renewed and completely thankful for the opportunity to express myself so fully. At band practice and at Company rehearsal, I am turned inside out and all of the bullshit evaporates.

God, I love my life. Right now I am filled with nothing but positive thoughts and feelings. Thank you thank you thank you for everything, whomever or whatever you are that has given me these lovely gifts. If you�re a horse, I�ll never look you in the mouth again.