Wednesday, Feb. 18, 2004 | 11:26 AM

This week has been the crazy mood swing week and it only continues to be so.

Had my first singing rehearsal for Company, and right now I hate Sondheim. Who in the fuck writes a song in 6/4 time and divides it into six part dissonant harmonies? Who creates two melodies on top of each other and then four bars of harmony underneath to provide texture, all of which are completely different rhythmically? And why do I have to have the strongest (in terms of volume) female voice, which means I wind up always singing one of those six parts all by myself? And of course, I�m a very non linear non visual type�I learn music simply by listening to it many times over, not by reading it�I can read it sort of but I really I am not a big ensemble singer at all, and I�ve never been in a chorus or anything like that�I�m always the chick singing out front. In Cabaret all of the singing I did was either solo or dueting with Costar. Of course the amazing and revolutionary thing about Company is that each lead principle doubles as the chorus�it�s truly an ensemble show. But I�m not used to singing that way and for once I feel vocally out of my depth.

That rehearsal was terrifying. And that is I guess exactly what I need. I haven�t put that much effort into singing ever-- it�s always been something that�s come really easy to me and now I have to think about it. It occurred to me that some people actually have to think about singing like that all the time. Weird. When it was over, I was exhausted.

Then on the bus I got a cellphone message and I realized there was something screwy with my finances and when I got home I had a temper tantrum alone in my room because I feel like an idiot and I�m tired of dealing with the same dumb things over and over again, all of which are based on not paying attention to the real world. Luckily, it will all be cleared up easily, but I am still in a foul mood over it.

And then I realized what day it was�what anniversary it was, and I got really really depressed and I don�t know exactly why. I�m 26 and all of a sudden I feel old. I want to be 21 again and have the world in front of me. And I know how stupid that sounds because 26 is so young, and I�m doing way more awesome stuff now than I did at 21 when I was really pedestrian and boring. But I�m going to be 27 in March�the age that all the rock stars die. And I feel this sense of urgency that I have to make it now.

Have you ever seen Time Bandits? You know the time holes that Kevin and the dwarves jump through from one reality to the next? I feel like I have to find that right time hole now or I�ll be stuck forever in this reality, which is working a day job and being quasi hip and such. And I�m afraid that I�m never going to be loved again and that I�ll die alone, semi hip, dull, and deluded�never having really done anything. And then I looked at myself in the mirror today, and for the first time in a long long time I felt really ugly, and it bothered me. What the hell is going on with me right now?

And I�m jealous. I�m pissed and jealous that there are so many happy couples and I hate all of them. Fuck them in the ass. I don�t know why all of a sudden I feel that way, because I haven�t in ages. But I feel like I�ve been seriously gypped in that department and it sucks. I know I�m just being a total baby right now, but please allow me this week of whinyness. I am really sad and I�m scared because I thought I�d stopped caring about this bullshit. I keep trying to talk myself out of it but it�s not working. Maybe it�s just what time of the year it is, and I�m thinking about stuff that I wish, I really wish I didn�t ever have to think about again. And I�m pissed about it. I�m just pissed and I�m resentful and I want to know when exactly am I going to stop being pissed and resentful? It�s like I keep shoving shit in a corner and telling myself it�s not relevant, but you know, it is and I don�t know how to make it any better. Because it�s all my fault, really. Yeah I got the shit end of the stick in a lot of ways but I created the circumstances for that to happen every damned time and I�m not looking for anyone to feel sorry for me because if I�d had a brain in my head I would have seen all of it coming about a mile down the pike. I was dumb dumb dumb and I need to just let it go which I keep thinking I have but of course I never really have. And I guess I have some really good reasons, and I�m just hoping that I racked up all of the bad shit early and that some day I�ll have the nicest easiest loveliest relationship in the world but I doubt it. Because I�m fucking retarded and I have no sense.

And what makes it worse is that for all of the terrible horrible HORRIBLE things, there were good things too�with all the boys. It�s like the best tasting poison in the world.

Don�t mind me. I�m just exorcising my demons. I have burst into tears more in the last three days than I have in like, months. I guess there�s always some kind of cosmic joke that you want things you can�t have. I wouldn�t be happy with what I seem to be wanting right now. I don�t know. But maybe I would. Yeah�I mean, if The Boy loved me back and we set up a happy domestic bliss, I think I might be happy.

Listen�listen this is all for the good. Good things are happening. Good things continue to happen. What good does it do to dwell, huh? None. Who hasn�t gone through hell at some point? Well, I can think of a few people, but they are people who play it so extraordinarily safe anyway that they may have avoided a lot of the bad stuff, but they�ve avoided the good too, and that�s not what I want. And hey�the hell is over. The hell has been taken care of, and dare I say a lot of relationships have been healed and are in decent places now. I�m not sorry for anything and I�ll just try to push through whatever this weird pocket of fuckedupedness is, and I�ll come out of it OK. These things always lead to something better and more organic. It�s all going to be alright.