Monday, Feb. 02, 2004 | 12:48 AM

Krike�where to begin with it all?

Well, let�s start with Company. The role I got is Joanne, this acerbic bitter sad woman with a great sense of humor and a sizable drinking problem�she reminds me of whom I could have become had I not dealt with a lot of my own bullshit. She sings one of the greatest belt numbers/show stoppers ever written, called The Ladies Who Lunch. It�s exactly the kind of song I excel at�heavy on character exploration and pathos and beyond those more esoteric theatrical elements, just musically speaking the song is so fucking visceral and it shows the hell off of my voice. Joanne also has a killer scene (of which the song is a part) where she basically loses her shit, and man oh man I have so much to draw from my own life there�in many ways she�s much easier for me to initially relate to than Fraulein Schneider in Cabaret was, although I loooooved playing that role. I�ve wanted to play Joanne for years and years�it�s one of the five or so roles that is mine. Glory hallelujah�it�s happening and I couldn�t be more thrilled.

Then of course there�s the band which is progressing nicely. I�m so excited about it, and I have a strong sense that it�s going to be killer. We�ll probably start having shows within a couple of months and I�ll clue y�all in to when they happen. It�s nice to get back into the rock scene; Matt�s really involved and he�s introduced me to people and taken me out to rock venues I�d been avoiding for various reasons. Everything feels like it�s all healing up so nicely and I can�t tell you how happy that makes me.

Then today Hallie and I had a nice long lunch and that was heartwarming and good. We did some tarot and talked about music and boys and such and it was fun to be around her in such a nice context.

I was planning on having dinner with Debbie but she was unfortunately sick, so we rescheduled for tomorrow.

Late in the day I got a beautiful email from Matt and upon reading it I immediately called him and we chatted for awhile. We made plans to go see Big Fish later in the evening with his friend Sean, whom I�d heard really nice things about (I�ve never had a bad experience with a Sean�Seans pretty much rule.) I�d seen the movie a couple days ago and loved it and knew Matt would love it, which of course he did.

And something pretty great happened. The movie touches me for a lot of reasons, one of which is that it�s about a father/child relationship and specifically about the death of a parent, and when I�d seen it the first time I sobbed my eyes out. I went alone and it was on a weekday when no one was in the theater, so I wasn�t embarrassed. I didn�t expect to be that moved a second time, especially in the company of friends�I have tried to avoid in recent months getting really emotional in that way around people�partially due to a fear of vulnerability, and partially due to the realization that my intense outward emotionalism, although basically authentic, carried with it an element of theatricality that wasn�t entirely genuine. I�ve tried to err on the side of being more reserved. But I surprised myself tonight in that I was just as touched by Big Fish, if not more so, than I was the first time I�d seen it. And about twenty minutes away from the end of the film, I started crying pretty intensely. Initially, I was quite embarrassed.

But the wonderful thing was that Matt took my hand and clutched it tight for the remainder of the picture, and with the fingers on his other hand, he stroked my arm. There was so much love in that gesture, and after the movie ended, his hand still clutched in mine, I drew it up to my lips and kissed his fingers and we looked into each other�s eyes and I knew suddenly and with absolute certainty that he loves me. I�m not sure in what way�is it even relevant really? And it wasn�t a �romantic� moment per se, but it was one of such genuine feeling that my whole body shook. He loves me. And I love him. And we are meant to be something wonderful and unique and real to each other. And I keep saying this again and again but he is such a gift in my life.

I wish you could all get to experience how truly superb he is. I don�t know if God could possibly have created a better, kinder, more perfect human being. His presence has enriched my universe to an extent I no longer believed was possible.

Needless to say, it�s been a great fucking weekend. Tomorrow it�s back to work and routine, but that suits me just fine. My heart is full to almost bursting.

And oh yeah, the Pats won to Superbowl so rah rah rah for that.