Thursday, Jan. 22, 2004 | 10:53 AM

I�m feeling vaguely unsettled today for a number of reasons. I�m not sure how to deal with jealousy�I mean I�ve dealt with my own jealousy many times. But not anyone else�s. Jealousy is a terrible thing. Jealousy poisons love. I have done everything I can to eradicate it from my life, and now I have to confront it on the opposite end of where I usually sit. And I feel helpless and hurt. Funny how being on this end of jealously is just as disempowering as being the jealous person. I feel threatened.

And see, here�s the thing. What I have with Matt is so precious to me, so absolutely beautiful, that I want to protect it at all costs. And then it gets into other issues. Can you protect love? How can you unless you are in possession of it? Can love be possessed? No�it�s not material�it�s a state of energy. You can�t possess love anymore than you can possess an electric current. All of this is ego bullshit and it�s not what I want.

I feel sick about what I listened to yesterday. I feel unclean. Hearing hurtful things about someone I care about makes me want to throw up. I think this is karma biting me in the ass.

What I want is to have him here right now, in my arms. I want to hear his voice. I want to take care of him. I want to hold him. He means so much to me. The thought of anyone saying anything disparaging about him hurts me more than someone saying something mean about me. I want to protect Matt because he is a treasure�a jewel. He is so precious to me. I have fallen in love with him and there isn�t anything I wouldn�t do for him.

Tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow is too long of a wait.