Monday, Jan. 19, 2004 | 10:48 PM

I am so in love and it�s the most wonderful feeling in the whole world. I feel high as a fucking kite. I feel beautiful and wonderful and like everything in the whole world is perfect. Romantic love and pain have always walked hand in hand for me but not this time. It�s all kaleidoscopes and windmills and tulips and honey and lava and Godiva chocolates.

I never thought I would have this again. And it�s totally different than last time�there�s no comparison or anything like that. John was my first real love and despite, or perhaps because of everything, he will always have a corner of my heart that no one else can touch. But this is different because I�m different�I�m a much more aware, accepting person and a lot of that is just maturity and a lot of it is the pain I�ve gone through and the work I�ve done on myself because of that pain. But this is easy in so many ways that I never thought it would be.

What�s so funny is that it�s really not about sex. I mean, don�t get me wrong. I�m very attracted to him. When I look at him I can feel my knees shake. Alamada pointed out that he bears a strong resemblance to Beck. So true. But what I mean is, the basic connection is that I just love him and the sexual expression of that feeling is merely a means of showing my love. If I couldn�t ever have any more physical involvement with him, I would be OK with that. Just being in a room with him and staring at a wall is heaven.

When we are together time flies. I missed my doctor�s appointment the other day because breakfast turned into brunch turned into lunch turned into afternoon snack and it all felt like one precious moment in time�I didn�t look at my watch once. Five friggin hours we spent at a restaurant just talking talking talking. It�s so effortless to be with him. It�s so effortless to love him. Not only is it effortless, it�s deeply nourishing. I know in my heart of hearts beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can trust him�that he�s honest with me. That he doesn�t play games. He lets me love him and take care of him and he treats me like I�m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Everything that I am is opened to him and he is so appreciative and doesn�t take me for granted and it allows me to be totally selfless. The irony is that in being so, what I receive in return feels like ten fold of what I give.

Yesterday on the train we talked about doing some music together. That�s very exciting. We�re both also talking about moving to New York�not together mind you�but it�s an interesting concept to mull over as a possibility. He�s the real deal. He has such heart and such ambition and such insight and good God I just love him. All of my friends liked him immediately, too which is always a good sign. He�s utterly disarming and charming and likable and his soul is so deep and rich.

Knowing him has improved the overall quality of my life to such an extent that it amazes me. This is the first day in almost a week that I haven�t spent time with him. And although I got a lot done and had a good day, (I had rehearsal for the scene I�m doing in acting class tomorrow and I hung out with Angus who the dearest bestest most understanding friend a girl could have) I fucking miss him. What surprises me greatly is that my relationship with him actually makes me a better more determined actress and singer. I never thought that love would do that for me, but it has.

Yesterday when I hung out with Matt and his oldest friend D., they treated me like �the girl� and that tickled me to no end. Whenever there was a door to walk through, one of them would run ahead to hold it open for me. When I bought popcorn and a drink at the movies, D. asked if he could carry it for me. I felt like Wendy with the lost boys�it was such a kick.

There actually is a real Wendy/Peter Pan quality to my relationship with Matt, and I mean that in a very positive way. He has usurped the thrown in which cynicism and pain sat. I feel cleansed. I feel young. I feel like life is filled with possibilities.

Next weekend is Matt�s birthday and I�m having him over for dinner. When I asked him he said yes immediately but he wants to be there with me while I cook. He wants to watch me cook and he wants me to teach him to cook. I almost melted with joy at the prospect.