Wednesday, Dec. 31, 2003 | 12:03 AM

I�ve been having a wonderful vacation. I�ve spent a lot of time with my family and no one is fighting or being stupid�it�s been like the cover of an Edwardian Christmas card�all warm and cozy and beautiful.

Matt went home to Boston, but his sister is still here and the other night she and I hung out for eight hours straight. I really really like her a lot. I am keeping my relationship with her and my relationship with Matt completely compartmentalized�I don�t talk about Matt with her at all, and I think this is very smart of me. Of course there is a tacit understanding, I think, that she knows how much I like him. One thing I love about my relationships with both of them is that they do not revolve around the imbibing of substances, and for me this is rare. Matt and I have drank together exactly once, and his sister and I never have. This is a good thing. I feel like there�s an authenticity to my connection with both of them that is lacking in many areas of my life.

One thing I truly love about Matt is that I am actually of service to him. I am really helping him and I feel so wonderful being a meaningful part of his life. I am after all, a fucking Pisces with a sixth house sun. I can�t stand seeing people in pain or lost and not being able to do anything for them. In fact, I think that�s really where my dark side comes in�when I love people who are in bad places and won�t accept help, or insist on further sublimating their own potential and I can see so clearly what�s going on�I feel really awful and incapable and I act out, and then all my agendas and manipulations come in and I lose myself. Matt brings out the very best in me because he does want my help. It�s such a wonderful feeling.

I�ve had five invitations for New Years Eve�all of them wicked fun sounding and involving various degrees of debauchery. But I have decided to turn them all down. I�m choosing to spend New Years Eve with my Mom casting spells and doing magic. Laugh if you will�I know how fucking D&D-playing-black-raincoat-wearing-sensitive-pony-tail-sporting that sounds, but I am dead fucking serious about it and looking forward to it like nobody�s business. Getting trashed and fucking around is a blast and all, but I want to ring in the New Year in a high minded way �cause there�s lots I want to accomplish, and even if casting spells doesn�t really do anything, it will at least plant in my mind the seeds of all the various projects and activities I wish to accomplish/partake in. If this past year was a turning point for me (thank fucking god), next year is going to be the second installment of my hero�s quest, and I want to be prepared. When you stop searching, growing, and risking, you fucking die. And I�ll leave that to the rest of the suburbanites. I�ve got miles to go before I sleep.

And all that jazz...