Sunday, Dec. 21, 2003 | 10:27 AM

Love overwhelms me. I had made myself stop feeling it for so long. I'd say a good several years. I mean, I loved, but I loved defensively and on autopilot. And slowly, ever since Cabaret which really opened me up, I've been feeling it for real again sans all the agendas. And it's terrifying to walk around feeling so strongly all the time-- not just about Matt. I mean about everyone I care for. My walls are all down and I feel fucking vulnerable as hell.

I just read an entry from my ex that was written a long time ago-- a really nice sweet entry and it totally made me bust into tears-- not because I'm upset but just because. And I feel that all the time. All shields are down. My heart is open. It scares the living fuck out of me, but I've never felt more alive.