Thursday, Dec. 18, 2003 | 9:35 AM

Last night Jeremy and I went to see Mr. Wonderful (whom I worked with in Cabaret) in Jacques Brel is Alive and Well and Living in Paris. And I was absolutely fucking blown away. As I�ve said before, lately it�s gotten harder for me to enjoy theatre. As I get more involved in acting, my critical radar is far more attuned than it ever was. But last night, Mr. Wonderful (whose real name is Eric. I�m just going to call him Eric from now on, OK?) and the other three members of the cast bitch slapped my inner critic and rendered her unconscious. I laughed. I cried. I was enthralled. And when it was over I was left begging for more. Jeremy, who is even more critical than I am was equally impressed. If you are in the Boston area and appreciate mid century Cabaret type music (a la Kurt Weil) I BEG you to see this show. It�s settled in for a long run (a la Blue man) and it needs to keep its level of support.

Jeremy just got a role in some big paying theatre gig and Eric is doing Brel and Blue Man and everyone seems to have their shit together. I feel like I�m going through this major crisis of confidence right now where I�m wondering whether I have any talent. And I feel like such a fucking fraud collecting a paycheck for siting on my ass in an office all day. I should be fucking ASHAMED of myself. I really need to do something about this. I feel frustrated. I miss being onstage. Acting class is great and I�m learning a lot, but I fucking MISS being up there, man. I feel like an outsider all of a sudden. I know this is all stupid insecurity and I�m being a big fucking baby. Is it that I need my ego stroked? I don�t know. I feel like my entire worth as a human being is tied to my acting and singing ability and it�s probably just a perception issue, but I feel like I�m not that cool or interesting as a person otherwise. And I feel like people only really like or care about me when I�m singing/acting. I think this is just a childhood insecurity I�ve brought into adulthood because as a kid, I knew the only way I could please everyone was to get up and belt out Somewhere Over the Rainbow or some such showstopper. And I still do that. When I lose my voice, I feel like my whole identity is shot to hell. It�s funny�Matt is the only person who deeply understands that about me because he has the exact same problem. Maybe people respond to me when I�m in my performance mode because it�s when I�m the most open and comfortable with myself. Maybe it�s just that I let people in more and I feel safer during those times. This is something I�ve gotta work on. Also, my natural competitive streak is coming out. I don�t wanna be in the back of the line. I love seeing other people succeed as long as I am also succeeding but right now I�m just twiddling my thumbs and not doing a fucking thing, and to be perfectly honest I�m jealous. And it sucks to be jealous of people you love and respect, and who have never shown you anything but kindness and support. I feel like a shitty person.

OK�what the fuck am I talking about? I have my class and I have the benefit concert on the 17th of January. And then come hell or high water I WILL be in something theatrical right after that. I need to stop freaking out about this. I am doing OK. You can�t be a fucking star every god damned day of your life. Relinquishing the spotlight is a good thing.

When I got home from the show last night I talked to Angus for awhile and something very nice happened between us. He was really understanding of where I was an how I was feeling. He made me feel loved. Sometimes he can be amazing.

Tonight I am bringing Matt to karaoke. I�ve heard him sing on his band�s CD (he�s VERY good) but he�s never heard me. This is of course a shameless ploy to get him to see me as his own personal goddess. I also really want to watch him perform. Plus, I think he would get a huge kick out of all the theatre gliterrati at The Chuck. I just hope I can shake off this neediness and desire for love and approval before tonight�s festivities, because when I egt like this, I�m like a black fucking hole and that is not what I want to be.