Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003 | 3:43 PM

Top Ten Reasons I dO NOT want a monogamous relationship at this time in my life

1) I don�t want anyone to tell me how to live my life. I don�t want anyone telling me I can�t drink ten beers if I want to. I don�t want anyone telling me to clean my room. I already have a fucking mother, thanks. So I�m not interested in that. On the vice versa side, I don�t want to turn into anyone�s mother. I don�t want to worry about someone when they are gone all night. I don�t want to nag. I�m a totally different much wilder person now than I was when I was in a relationship and trying to control someone else all the time. I just wanna live and let live.

2) Couples are boring. When people get married or act like they�re married they become far less interesting. I�m not saying everyone is like this, but it seems as a rule people start discussing subjects like what they want to buy at Pottery Barn and why the red wine glasses are so much nicer than the white wine glasses�all that dull sterile Martha Stewart garbage. The whole is much less interesting than the sum of its parts.

3) I would not want to subject another human being to my inherent insanity and penchant for attracting drama. Every single person I have ever been intimate with has at one point told me how high maintenance I am. It would be a full time job for someone to date me and I don�t know anyone who�d be up to the task.

4) I like having the option of sleeping with whomever I want. Since I�ve been single, I realized that sex grows on trees. It�s EVERYWHERE and it comes in so many different shapes and sizes and colors and creeds. I don�t want the same flavor of ice cream for the rest of my life no matter how good it tastes, if you get my drift. And for the first time, I feel fucking sexy as hell, which I guess shines through since I get laid more than anyone I know. And kids, I am NOT that physically attractive in typical societal terms�I mean I have a great face and nice tits but I am the furthest thing possible from being skinny even now that I�ve dropped a goodly amount of weight. So don�t let anyone tell you that you have to be typically good looking in order to get hit on. It�s just not true. In the past year, I have been seduced numerous times and of the times that I have been the seducer, I�ve only been turned down once. And that person was someone I wound up getting with later on anyway. I am NOT giving all that sex up. Variety�it�s the spice of life. Which leads me to�

5) People in relationships lie to each other. They keep things from each other. It sickens me to know about all of the people who fuck outside of the relationship on the sly and how the cuckolded wife/husband is the last to know. It�s embarrassing what yellow bellied little cowards people can be. And I am convinced that at least 60% of married/committed people cheat on each other�I�m saying this from EXPERIENCE�both my own and that of almost every single person I know. I�m not interested in participating in that kind of delusion and having had the experiences I�ve had I doubt I would ever trust anyone to be totally straight with me ever again. Not having any labels or structure takes the pressure off in terms of telling the truth because there is no reason to lie.

6) Being with one other person exhausts me. I have laser beam intensity and it works far better for all involved if that intensity gets parceled out over various people as opposed to inflicting it on one human being.

7) I have never been able to find one person who has ALL of the qualities that I need in a partner. That doesn�t mean such a person doesn�t exist, but until he or she comes along, why should I settle for less when I can get some of what I want from many people?

8) I find my physical desires overpowering and I literally cannot say no to someone whom I want. It�s not that I go trolling for tail or something�my physical attraction is very much tied to the level of respect and intellectual fascination I feel for a human being. I enjoy sex much more when I deeply care about the person but the thing is there are so many people I deeply care for and I want to fuck most of them. When given the opportunity, I�m not gonna turn that down. And most people are not cool with that in terms of relationships. I personally don�t even know if I could be cool with being in a relationship with someone who felt the same way I do and acted on it. As much as I would LOVE an open relationship in theory, I honestly don�t know if I could do it in practice. I guess I�d have to see. So for the time being I am better off single.

9) The most important thing to me in life is my theatre and music stuff and I don�t know if I have the energy or time to devote to a full time relationship.

10) I�ve been hurt and damaged so much in the past that I honestly think part of me may malfunction for the rest of my life. I�m not saying that as a victim and in certain ways, the damage has done me a lot of good in other areas�has made me far more independent and almost entirely unconcerned with how other people view me, whereas prior to being heartbroken I was exactly the opposite. But I think there�ll always be some incredibly fucked up parts of myself that will not allow me to become totally intimate with one person. I�m quite idealistic and optimistic about people and it�s something I pride myself on after having been depressive and closed off for the greater part of a decade. But the one area of my life in which I am utterly jaded is the Monogamous Romantic Relationship. This is terribly presumptuous and snotty of me, but for the most part I find other people�s relationships to be a detriment to their own pschospiritual evolution. I know I�m grossly generalizing but I�d say that 70% of committed relationships are basically in the range of total crap to merely mediocre. I think more often then not, relationships, like jobs, are just something people do when they don�t know what the hell else to do with themselves. I think often people wind up with whomever they are with for circumstantial reasons .

Now that I�ve gone on this whole big jaded numerical rant, let me leave you with something a tad less dark. In a sense, the cynicism I feel about traditional committed partnerships gives me kind of an edge. There IS a part of me that truly believes someday I might meet someone who is absolutely perfect for me, who will connect with me in some deep intrinsic way that is undeniable. But I have NO INTEREST in settling for anything remotely less than that. I am so much happier being alone (if you can even call what I am alone since I have several different lovers going at any given time) than I am in a relationship that�s less than magical. I simply feel that I deserve nothing less than the absolute best life can offer me in every aspect. And you know what? When you feel that way, the universe fucking provides that shit to you. The more I demand from myself and from other people, the better everything gets. So don�t settle for some half assed Prince Charming. And don�t cross your fingers and hope that the person you�re with will start treating you better. Trust me�they won�t.

Anyway�tonight I am seeing Lord of the Rings with Matt and his sister. And Matt is someone who I feel knows me better than many people I�ve been friends/lovers with for years know me. There�s definitely something magical between us, although I don�t know how it�s going to play out and I have no agenda one way or the other�which is funny because I always have an agenda. I�m just enjoying whatever the hell this is. I think I should do that with all of my relationships. Just accept them for what they are.