Friday, Dec. 12, 2003 | 2:22 PM

One of the most powerful, affirming things you can do for yourself is apologize when you have done something really awful to someone else. Rather than deflecting blame, back peddling, hiding, or worrying about Public Relations, it is transformational to sidestep your own ego and take responsibility for the harm and pain you have caused other people.

I think we�ve all probably done one or two really absolutely terrible things in our lives�probably without malicious intent, but terrible nonetheless� that caused someone else lasting psychic damage. And it�s so hard to face that. It is so hard to admit to having behaved so badly. Because if you really admit it, you are forced to change.

I absolutely believe that people have the ability to change in drastic ways. Most people don�t want to because it hurts to examine yourself with that level of honesty. And when you come clean, there is a fracture of sorts in your personal life, which is terrifying. Old structures crumble, and the defense mechanisms that have been so comfortable are no longer available to you.

But once you come through that, it is so rewarding.

Over the past year I have changed. I have become a better person. I�m still not as good a person as I would like to be, but I am much more self-aware and a far better friend and lover than I was. And I think as a direct result of that, my whole life is so much richer and my relationships so much stronger. And even though the loss and the disruption I experienced during the process of changing my life was so painful, I would not trade what I�ve accomplished for anything.

Also, saying you are sorry and meaning it deeply, and telling the truth really does have the power to help heal the people you devastated. It really actually can make a difference.

When you lie to or betray someone you love, don�t kid yourself that it�s not going to affect the relationship. You can justify your behavior in any way you want, and you can tell yourself that what the person doesn�t know won�t hurt them. But the bond between you is weakened nonetheless. On some deep intrinsic level I think we all�and I mean the entirety of humankind�know the truth about any given situation. Often not consciously, but the knowledge is there. It does have an affect. And eventually, things come out. It may take years, but the truth will see the light of day.

The more you take ownership of your own behavior, the more choices you have and the less of a victim you are. And really, you have only this one life to be YOU�don�t you want to be the best, most creative, more dynamic version of yourself that you can be? Don�t you want to live up to the wonderful potential you have? Stop putting it off. Stop telling yourself you�ll do it tomorrow. There is no such thing as tomorrow. There is only now. Because if you don�t make this choice for yourself, I promise you that the universe will provide you with consequences. You will wake up and you will be fifty and you will have wasted a golden opportunity. We are all here on his planet to transcend and yto grow and to push ourselves to be better. Look back at the patterns of behavior in your life, and make a conscious effort to change them and fucking own up to what you have done. And don�t own up with any yeah but you did this�. STOP RATIONALIZING. Rationalizing is your greatest enemy.