Saturday, Dec. 06, 2003 | 11:12 AM

I�m going home to Rochester on December 19th and won�t be coming back until January 5th (I think.) That�s a nice long visit. I think I�m going to spend New Years with my Mom again this year. Last year we went to a very fancy hotel right near where the Shaw Festival is in Canada. The hotel had a spa and we got mud wraps and massages and a very fancy dinner and many cocktails. We also went out for high tea which is one of my favorite things to do (best place for high tea by the way out of every tea establishment I�ve visited is hands down the Plaza Hotel in NYC. Very expensive but totally worth it.) I don�t know what we�ll do this year�something extravagant, no doubt.

I feel so useless and melancholy right now. I hate it. I keep trying to cheer myself up. But it�s not like an aimless depression. I�m just thinking about stuff. Ruminating. Honestly, there is nothing more in the world that I would like to do than have fun all the time. I wish my brain and my heart didn�t constantly get in the way. I wish I didn�t think about everything so much and weight everything over and over. It�s truly irritating. Theater is the only thing that keeps me balanced�allows me to put all the analytical skills to good use so I can get out of my own way and just enjoy.

I think Lynn and I are going to Angus�s play tonight (Buy your tickets here if the snow doesn�t make that not feasible. I am very much looking forward to seeing him perform.

He seems so happy and together and like his old self�the wonderful beautiful person I always knew he was and I am so glad for him. It does my fucking heart good to watch someone I love so much grow in such a wonderful way. It doesn�t take much, you know? When people make that leap, all kinds of fantastic things happen for them. When you realize your fears are just shadows and that you have the strength to vanquish them, everything around you transforms.