Wednesday, Dec. 03, 2003 | 2:39 PM

You know, I�ve gone on and on for the past year about how I think monogamy is stupid. And I have gone out of my way to lead the least monogamous lifestyle possible. I think I needed to take that kind of negative stance on the whole �Relationship� thing for a lot of reasons. This year I sought out as much adventure and taboo as possible, and I have had a hell of a good time. My love life has been Caligulaesque and sexually I�ve done a hell of a lot of exploring. Threesomes, foursomes, one night stands, the love that dare not speak its name, etc.

But now that time has gone by and I�ve grown a bit and had a lot of sex and distanced myself from my past, I�m thinking about changing my position a bit on monogamy. The cynical veneer I�ve sported isn�t suiting me, and I think I�ve dealt with many of my demons. Meeting Matt flipped a switch in me. It�s totally possible that nothing whatsoever will happen between us at all, which is fine. But spending time with him made me remember that there are elements of being �with� someone that are really wonderful and sweet. My belief system re relationships has been infected by several harrowing god awful circumstances. But those circumstances really are the exception as opposed to the rule, and I am smart enough and shrewd enough now to avoid them.. I think I�ve grown enough that I can recognize warning signs and put an end to things that are bad for me early on. I have a lot more trust in myself and I don�t feel like such a victim anymore. I also have a much healthier sense of who I am�I don�t need anyone else to validate me, and I also wouldn�t ever need someone to make me feel safe. I have enough self worth to walk out immediately if anyone ever pulled some serious bullshit on me. I am definitely far savvier than I was in my early twenties and I have a better sense of humor�I don�t take everything so fucking seriously. The last year taught me how to be an autonomous human being and I think that takes a lot of stress off any hypothetical relationship. I took a lot of time to be by myself after my last break up; I didn�t just jump from one guy to the next. I allowed myself to explore, to get over things, and I think that makes a lot of difference. Things that I did in the past I know I never will do again. I�ve been incredibly self destructive and na�ve previously, which lead me to be not so nice or fun to be around. I think I�ve ironed all that bullshit out and I don�t see myself being like that again.

The hott affair with Angus was almost like a mini relationship in which I tested out all this shit, and found myself responding in ways I never have before, and just being all around more mature. I feel like I was stunted emotionally from the ages of 19-25 or so, and finally being alone for awhile allowed me to catch up on all that stuff I missed.

So yeah, monogamy.

It would be nice to wake up on a Sunday morning and make brunch with someone and spend the day listening to records and kissing. It would be nice to go for long walks with someone (I�ve been going for long walks by myself for awhile now.) It would be nice to be fascinated and enthralled by someone amazing every day�especially if I don�t have to live with that person.

I�m not looking for it. I certainly don�t think I need it to be happy. But I�m ready for a relationship should one come my way.

I have a great life and great friends and sex is available to me if I want it and I am perfectly happy being alone�I know where I�m going and what I want out of life. I also know what I would want from someone else�I would want to be with someone who truly loves and appreciates me, who is funny and intelligent and together and talented and driven and honest and faithful.

Not to sound like a total pompous jackass (which I�m going to anyway) but I am really fucking proud of myself for everything I�ve accomplished in the past year. I went through some serious bullshit and I turned it around to my advantage. Yea for me.

OK, I�ll stop slapping myself on the back now.

Tune in tomorrow when I throw myself a ticker tape parade.