Monday, Nov. 17, 2003 | 12:55 PM

I love myself so much. I wish I was on the cover of every magazine so that I could kiss my own glossy airbrushed reflection every time I'm picking up a 40 of OE at the Quickie Mart. I wish I had my own talk show called Anna! so that people could listen to all my fascinating opinions on everything from designer watches to spousal abuse (my position is that it's bad, by the way.) And on my talk show I'd bring on Experts to tell my guests what's wrong with them and what they need to do to be a happier healthier thinner less threatening, slightly less crazy version of themselves. Next week I'm having a calligraphy expert on so he can show women how to spice up their marriages with creative penmanship.

I hate that there are people who are famous for doing absolutely nothing. Like Paris Hilton. Dude, fuck Paris Hilton. Fuck her right in her pancake skinny waxed asshole. Who cares what Paris fucking Hilton thinks or wears or does. She is the embodiment of everything that is wrong with this country and if I had a spare cardboard box I would fold her into it and ship her to Timbuktu. Lynn was telling me recently that Paris gave this interview about how nobody knows how hard it is to be her. And you know, I just felt so sorry for her. She's right. None of us can possibly empathize with how gut wrenchingly boring and shallow it would be to shop all day and snort blow with other B list celebrities at overpriced watering holes for the rich and dimwitted. We just haven't been in the extraordinary position of boldly helping Our Sagging Economy(tm) by buying thirty pairs of the same fucking $300.00 shoe. And I think that Paris should be given a break from all of her exhausting celebrity duties. I think that some brave soul from the comfortable ruins of Chicago's South side should volunteer to trade places with poor little Paris Hilton. I think she needs a break. In fact, I think Paris Hilton has it so hard that somebody dead, somebody like say John Lennon or Kurt Cobain should rise up from the land of souls and trade places with Po' dear crusading little Paris so that they can maybe, I dunno, make an artistic contribution and Paris Hilton can stop sticking her finger down her throat in the stalls of her daddy's executive bathrooms. She can descend into hell and bore everyone there to tears instead of boring me.

I have a question. When someone becomes a celebrity, do they have to sign some kind of contract that states they will live their life as a tragedy in three acts so that E! can make a proper True Hollywood Story after they've rode their stardom out to sea and been washed up on the banks of receding relevance? Are there codicils that illustrate the minimum number of drug overdoses, sex videos, and public shouting matches each celebrity has to have? Maybe celebrities are actually androids that all operate according to the same computer program.

I think we should be able to have fading celebrities as pets. Most of them don't really know how to take care of themselves and maybe they'd appreciate having a safe home and a kindly owner. I'd be happy to walk Corey Feldman and Anna Nicole Smith around the block once a day and teach them to beg and roll over. Actually, maybe they could teach me that.

I think my point here is that we're facing an overpopulation of celebrities and it's just not ethical to have so many of them running around breeding. If you have a celebrity, make sure to get it neutered or spayed. We want all celebrities to be wanted and loved and cared for because they are after all man's best friend. And please, if you have a celebrity, make sure to clean up after it when it does its thing out of doors. There is a town ordinance against leaving broken martini glasses and blood spattered vomit on the sidewalk.