Saturday, Nov. 15, 2003 | 9:22 AM

Yesterday was an almost perfect day.

One of the doctors in the program I work for is a really sweet guy and the last time he was here we had a talk about Zander, the conductor for the Boston Philharmonic whom I love. So yesterday that doctor gave me a present�a signed copy of Zander�s book. Isn�t that wonderful? I also got heaps of praise from my bosses about what a good job I�m doing, and that felt good. Also, two of my bosses and I are going to rent out the pub around the corner for a departmental party�we�re going to show the film Faster Pussycat Kill Kill and all get drunk. YAY!!!

Yesterday was payday so right after work I hightailed it down to Newbury Comics and bought the David Cross DVD, Upright Citizens Brigade the First Season, The Office, Tenacious D, and the Dresden Dolls album, all of which were on sale so I spent less than a hundred bucks. It felt so good to go on a shopping spree.

On my way out of Newbury Comics a beautiful indie rock boy, the kind of boy that never pays me any mind gave me a very sweet compliment. I blushed and giggled and acted retarded.

And it occurred to me as I thanked him that maybe all those years I thought I was hideous and horrible I was wrong. Maybe there never was anything wrong with me. Maybe I�m fine just the way I am.

When I got home Angus and I ordered Wing It, and we had a long talk. He�s confused about our relationship right now, and just about his feelings in general which is strange because it�s all so clear to me, but oddly enough I�m Ok with his confusion. Whatever happens will happen. And honestly my sense is that the romantic part of our relationship is going to cool off for a time, and that�s fine. We do best in spurts, I think and I don�t want to start feeling like I�m in a long-term relationship because it�s boring. And I want him to be always a part of my life. I don�t want to use this all up now because I can�t say that I never want to date anyone else and if I did ever make some kind of commitment it would be because I was certain that I was done fucking around. It�s going to take me a long time to make that decision about anyone�I�m just having too much fun getting laid and meeting all kinds of different people. I don�t want to resent him. What we have is so special that I don�t want to reduce it to anything else.

But one really sweet thing he told me last night was that he�d been wanting to make out with me all day. I almost melted into my chair.

We listened to the Dresden Dolls, which I thought Angus would hate but he actually really liked it. Vindication! Then we had what turned into a very very hott dialog. And we listened to the Cure and we made out a little bit�it was very romantic. Then I went to bed. This morning I woke up to him hugging me.

He needs to make his own decisions and I know him so well that I�m not going to be disappointed if he gets into some dumb relationship with someone else. That�s his pattern and I don�t believe it�s going to change. My biggest problem in the past was operating under the impression that people would behave differently than their established patterns. I'm trying to just accept the people I love as they are and not expect the world from them. He�s gotta work through what he needs to work through and so do I and I can�t make the kind of black and white commitment he seems to need from people. That would be so fucking stupid for me to do right now and I�d only be doing it to make myself and him feel safer. Labels, man. Fucking labels. I dunno. Who knows where everything�s going? It�s all gotta be organic.

Today I am at work. After work I am going to pick up some maryjane from my friendly neighborhood dealer (I finally have a dealer that I really really like. Going on the bi-weekly weed pick up is one of my favorite outings) and then I�m meeting Angus to go see School of Rock. Tomorrow night I�m going out for dinner with Lynn and her parents and then I have plans with Ivy.

Life is really good right now. It�s nice to just sit back and enjoy the ride.