Wednesday, Nov. 12, 2003 | 9:47 AM

So we had a long long talk last night and it was very very good. Whenever anything like this happens, I just love him more because he comes through. He really goes out of his way to try to make me feel loved and beautiful and sexy, and I care about him so much. And he talks. He says how he feels�he says what�s going through his mind, and he listens to me.

All of this is just so difficult for me�the uncertainty of it and so forth. Because we aren�t together. What are we? It�s hard�part of me wants to just make this easier on myself by saying, �Ok let�s be boyfriend and girlfriend. Let�s establish all these rules and codes and so forth� But I know that would so be for the wrong reasons, and so does he. It would totally backfire and ruin everything I�ve fought so hard for. And as I have plainly shown, I can�t be faithful at this point in my life. When I saw Ivy on Saturday I couldn�t help myself and I�m seeing her again on Sunday too. And there�s always so many new and interesting people in my life and I never got to have fun when I was the age where most people were having that kind of fun. I was already playing house. I never got to just enjoy myself and see what�s out there, and in a sense, he hasn�t really either. He�s been on a string of monogamous relationships (which is total bullshit�serial monogamy is a big fucking neon sign that says �HI, I�M FUCKED UP AND I�M SCARED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!� It�s like, can�t you just be alone for five minutes without latching on to someone to make you feel safe?)

It�s so bizarre though because we live together. We are sexually involved. We spend a great deal of time together. But I think naming things causes problems. And we both have our own extracurricular activities.

I think I should just not focus on it and worry about what�s going to happen. What can happen? We love each other. We�re best friends. We�re honest and we talk and we don�t do things to purposefully hurt the other person. We don�t play games. We don�t sneak around. If he drifts away to someone else or I do, that�s the way things are. We�ll still be friends. We�ll still love each other. Because we aren�t forcing each other to be in the position of making the other person feel safe. And we don�t lie to each other.

I know there�s a part of him that nobody knows but me. That�s how close we are. I know that I am irreplaceable in his life. I know deep in my heart that he loves me and that it can�t ever be taken away.

God that scares the shit out of me.