Monday, Nov. 10, 2003 | 11:55 AM

You know one thing that�s nice, Angus does not read this diary. He knows about it, and he could read it if he wants to, but he doesn�t. And that makes me feel really secure. Sometimes I show him stuff I wrote, but he has no interest in checking it every day or anything like that. I don�t know why but this strikes me as relatively healthy.

Anyway�

Gah. This is an emotional roller coaster and I�m so fucking confused. I hate it. And what�s most on my mind is, I don�t want to do any serious damage to this relationship. I don�t want to overreact.. So I wrote him, and I think I�m glad I did, and I wrote him with the intention of being as loving and kind and honest as possible. Other than that I�ve been hiding and he keeps trying to bring me out of my shell, and being kind and dear and tentative, but I�m really really upset right now and I don�t want to hurt him. I�m so upset I can barely look at him and I don�t want to cry or act like a jackass. This is why having your own room is so key.

It�s so easy to tell when he�s hurt and for some reason I�m so conscious of it and more sensitive to that than I have ever been with anyone�maybe because we are so alike in certain ways in terms of how we deal with things. And I�m staying away from him because I�m afraid of my own claws, and what I�ll do to him. I have so much sadness and rage stored up in me and it gets activated by shit like this. I hate feeling so fucking damaged (ah�bring out the violins�)

Jesus this is such the blind spot in my life�one of the few areas where I feel totally inept and incapable. And obviously that�s why I keep having to deal with it. I don�t want to be so well defended. And I just don�t know how to deal with this without pulling out the well warn sarcasm and snottiness. But I am so so so hurt right now and I�m angry and confused. And I�m so fucking pissed at having been so vulnerable and so thawed and finally so comfortable and then suddenly in a moment to have been�what? I don�t wanna go into what happened, I don�t think. I don�t wanna talk about it. And it�s not really that bad I guess. But it has the echo of so much hurtful crap I�ve dealt with and it pushes all my buttons. And I want to know how someone can jump from that intense intimacy�this sort of all enveloping intimacy and seduction to� well to what happened. And I want to know why it is that I have the knack for picking men that do this. And I am tired of feeling cheap and used and like everybody always knows I�ll be around so they can pull this fucking crazy shit on me. There�s always this push pull kind of thing.

Well, hopefully the last of my Mr. Show stuff will arrive today and then after work I can hole up in my room and get high and laugh which is probably the healthiest new method I�ve learned for dealing with anything painful.

Oh�why is it that whenever you�re in a space that you just are too upset or whatever to talk on the phone, everyone calls you? Yesterday I was a total wreck and every time the phone would ring it was for me�literally like ten times yesterday. I hope no one took it personally that I was basically a zombie incapable of conversation.