Sunday, Nov. 09, 2003 | 10:32 PM

It's funny how there are themes in your life that you just cannot dodge. They reoccur again and again and you can't avoid them. They must be dealt with. And obviously I'm being smack hit with one right now again.

How many times have I been in the situation of getting so close to someone and then bam-- something comes out of nowhere, just when I'm really starting to trust, and I feel like I've had the rug pulled out from under me? And there's something here that I need to figure out. There is a lesson I'm supposed to get from this-- and I don't think it's "People suck" or "don't care about anyone." I think it has to do with how to deal with hurt and how to communicate and how to logicially delineate what the situation is rather than just becoming overwhelmed by how much pain I'm in. I am so bad about voicing my feelings when they are "negative"-- and I find it hard to do so without being accusatory or defensive or infantile. It's cost me a lot in my life. And I think I'm supposed to figure it out. And I'm really really trying. I have a hard time saying what I mean in certain situations. I can be eloquent, but not about my own anger or sadness. It's a defence mechanism based on things that happened when I was very young, and one that has become more streamlined and efficient as I've been confronted with relationships where I felt consistently betrayed. And it's something I have to crack.

I have to find the fine line between giving people their space and freedom, and being true to my own feelings. It's fucking hard man. But apparently nothing is going to change until I crack it. So I'm doing my damnedest. I feel like total shit right now, but I am proud of myself for how I'm dealing with whatever the fuck happened yesterday night. I think the first rule I've learned is that it's best to not act rashly and don't say anything until you calm down. Sequestering yourself in your room and just listening to music and thinking shit through is an excellent pre-cursor to discussing something painful. And also reminding yourself how much you love the other person and that he loves you, and most of this stuff is just people not communicating well enough with each other. And that it's not the end of the fucking world.

In other news, I saw David Cross's new show, Arrested Development tonight (it's on Fox SUndays at 9:30) and it is as smart and hilarious as the reviews say it is. Which of course means it will probably be cancelled. But I urge you all to watch it. Everyone on it is great, and David Cross is as always his usual genius self.