Friday, Oct. 17, 2003 | 11:58 AM

Jesus I�m sore. My whole body aches and I have bruises up and down my thighs and torso and a cut on the inside of my upper lip where someone was biting a little bit too enthusiastically.

Yesterday I was feeling very weird and upset about the whole thing for a number of reasons, none of which actually had to do with the fact that we had a threesome�that�s hott�it�s other tangential issues that have been raised and certain things that happened as a result of the threesome which have made me very very very VERY fucking mad at him and really hurt. Yesterday I was the Ice Queen towards him. I mean I really pulled out the arsenal. This always confuses the hell out of people. I turned into the impenetrable wall. Poor guy. I actually feel kind of sorry for him since he doesn�t see that side of me ever, and I think he�s pretty much at a loss as to how to handle it. How can you fight against a brick wall? You can�t. I�ve learned not to cry or be remotely vulnerable about shit like this. Crying has been dropped from the repertoire of How To Deal With People Who Hurt You.

It�s taken me a long time to get it right, but I think I finally have. It�s actually quite simple. Long silences and blank stares, one word answers, and being very careful to keep all hostility or sarcasm out of your communication. You must be polite and cold. Do not allow anything you say to have any subtext or euphemism. It�s an exercise in acting and total emotional control�you just picture your emotional core as being like a meat freezer. Think Sean Young in Blade Runner. Think robot. And say as little as possible. I actually learned the finer points of this particular technique from my boss. It took me a long time to get it down, but it is the absolute most effective way of winning this particular emotional game. All the bluster and tears and raised voices in the world do not compare to the havoc stony silence can wreak. It is the most straightforward way to declaring emotional checkmate. It is completely and utterly devastating to anyone that cares about you�it�s kind of like martial arts where you just move ever so slightly and allow the other person who�s thrashing around trying to hit you to fall on their own face. It�s an economy of behavior and it works fucking beautifully.

See, in order to win these kinds of games, you have to learn by watching. You have to detachedly examine strategy and not respond according your own emotional logic. For example, my natural inclination when very very hurt is to be really verbose and honest and cry and be �irrational��this is totally ineffective. It reveals neediness and it is unsubtle in its manipulation. If you act like that you�re basically forfeiting the game right there.

Yes, I know how fucked up this is.

But isn�t everything?

And I�m not suggesting that all human relationships are like this. But sometimes you have to defend yourself, and I�m just passing along what I�ve learned.

I'll probably thaw sometime today and be more straightforward. We'll see.