Monday, Oct. 13, 2003 | 8:24 PM

This has been a good weekend. Sometimes I just have to get the fuck out of my own head and relax. The break from drunkenness has been a highly positive thing. Don�t know how long I�ll keep it up but so far so good.

Friday night I really just needed to be alone. Angus had some people over and he wanted me to come hang out but I wasn�t in the mood. I think he felt bad and a little abandoned but hopefully I made it clear it didn�t have anything to do with him personally at all�I just needed some space. I watched Superman II and went to bed early.

Saturday I did laundry at the Laundromat because we don�t have any machines in our building, and I enjoyed it more than I probably should have�I just liked watching all the people with their little kids and their supersized bottles of fabric softener carting loads of clothing from one machine to another. On Saturday mornings the Laundromat is a zoo. Sometimes it takes me so little to amuse myself.

In the afternoon I went grocery shopping and spent the rest of the day reading. I refrained again from hanging out with Angus that evening and I think he was getting a touch worried, but we spend soooooo much time together and I just needed to be alone. When I spend too much time with other people I start feeling uncentered; it�s as though my own personal boundaries melt away�just little things like how I think and feel start being blurred with someone else�s emotions and opinions. It was a nice vacation and by Sunday I was ready to be social once more.

Sunday afternoon the two of us saw Kill Bill which I enjoyed immensely. It was shallow but tons of fun and it struck me that getting involved in some kind of martial arts program would do me a world of good. Seeing Uma Thurman kick the shit out of everyone, I thought to myself That is what I need. NOT that I want to kick anyone in particular or that I have some kind of revenge wish. But depression I believe is anger turned in on itself, and I think it would be highly positive for me to get out my residual rage in a healthy manner.

When Angus and I got home I made us chicken stir fry with Chinese vegetables, ginger soy marinade, fresh garlic, onions, and brown rice. It was by the way the best stir fry I�ve ever made. Angus was very very happy with it and every few minutes would say Damn�t this is good!, and I was thrilled to be so appreciated. We watched Willard with Crispin Glover (highly recommend it�very fucked up, creepy, sad, funny film) and at one point when Crispin Glover was becoming particularly unhinged and bizarre I blurted out, My God that man is so god damned hott. Angus was impressed. It�s nice to see a girl with unconventional taste. It�s true�besides my unabashed adoration for classic Hollywood starz like Steve McQueen and Paul Newman, my taste in men is definitely left of center�current �celebrity� crushes include Steve Buscemi, David Cross (my God I love him so much I want to have like a million on his children), and the late Lester Bangs (may he rest in peace.)

After Willard was over we were both still in movie watching mode, and Angus (bless his heart, I love him so much) was bounding around dying to instill in me a love for Dario Argento. I�d seen Suspiria albeit years ago, and I relented to watching Opera which I actually liked very much except for the lead actress in the film who SUCKED, and the ending which was just so god awful. The visual composition was breathtakingly beautiful and the film was scored by Brian Eno (among other composers) and Argento also utilized some of my favorite arias throughout�Verde�s MacBeth and Madame Butterfly. Angus asked me a lot about opera and I talked about that and it�s nice that we can introduce each other to our various passions.

When it was over we were both sleepy and before I retired to my room I threw my arms around him and gave him a huge hug that lasted a long time. It was nice. I promptly departed after that for various reasons. Unfortunately, I had terrible dreams all night due to the rat theme of Willard (I am PHOBIC of rodents) and woke up screaming at one point because I believed there was a rat in my bed (there wasn�t.)

Today I went insane cleaning the apartment. Got this heavy duty industrial cleaning powder and I fucking whipped the kitchen into shape. Years worth of dirt have been liberated from the walls and floor�it looks like an entirely different kitchen now. I also did the hallway and the bathroom. Angus had done some preliminary cleaning in the morning before I woke up which is what set me on the housewife kick. At one point I was on the floor scrubbing and he walked by and jokingly mentioned something about someday getting me into a French Maid�s uniform�he said it in a really cute and non-sleazy way and it made me blush like crazy.

That brings me to now. Angus went to rehearsal and I started going insane on my room�I�ve cleaned today like I never have cleaned in my life. I even took the light fixtures down from the ceiling and scrubbed them of all the cigarette tar and grime that�s collected on them for years. Damn I feel good.

Angus will be home around eleven and I�m making dinner for him again at my suggestion. He said, You don�t have to make me dinner again, Jesus Christ.. But I want to, which is weird. Maybe because there�s no pressure. I don�t know. He�s always doing nice stuff like cooking me breakfast just when I wake up and a few days ago he made the best chili I�ve ever tasted. And he always picks up DVD�s at the store that I�ve mentioned I want to watch. It reminds me of the way my Dad used to go out and by my records whenever I�d talk about a band I liked.

I�m working my way through a lot of shit. I knew I�d have to work my way through a lot of shit when I moved here�that living with someone I love so much and whom I have this sort of fucked up relationship with would force me to deal with all sorts of issues. And it�s scary and sometimes it hurts just being confronted with a lot of crap from my own psyche and unfinished business from the past. But it�s all about finding a balance and I think I�m doing OK even though occasionally I slip into confusion and mild despair. I think I�m finding my way all right.

And tomorrow of course I have acting class�

I can�t ask for a much better life, you know?