Saturday, Oct. 11, 2003 | 6:03 PM

This is why I drink. I drink because I am lonely even though I have more friends than I know what to with. I drink because I am afraid. I drink because without it I don't know how to be intimate with other people anymore, sexually or otherwise. I drink because I am terrified of people I love especially and I am terrified that they are going to blindside me. I drink to be honest emotionally with other people which is something I have absolutely lost the ability to do for the most part. I don't know how to say 'I love you' anymore unless I'm drinking. Only problem is, it's just a temporary fix. And it's an illusion. In the morning you wake up and it's like a sitcom that re-sets itself at the beginning of each episode. That blatant honesty of the night before doesn't fucking mean anything because it was the booze, man. It's easy to be honest when all your defences have been liquified.

I've been a heavy drinker for some time but the events of last January tipped me into another level. Since then I have for the most part been on an extended binge. One or two nights a week I get fucking blotto drunk-- like can't complete sentences kind of drunk, and every other night it's just a few until I feel that click-- that nice detached buzz.

In one sense I have accomplished more in the past 9 months than I have in forever. So much psychic pain-- the only way I knew really how to deal with it was the double whammy of transfusing it into ART, which was productive and meaningful. And to numb the fuck out.

So all the parties and the sex and the three day benders and just indulging indulging indulging to blot out this kind of mass psychic trauma while convincing myself that I was fine while also wallowing in self pity and doubt.

Of course, there's a lot of different layers to things, you know. It's not some cookie cutter TV movie of the week about alcoholism. In lots of ways I did cope. I did learn a lot. And I DID have a blast. I had an enormous amount of fun.

Still though, I cannot dismiss that alcohol has become a MASSIVE crutch for me. It soothes and softens and keeps me from seeing a lot of what's going on right in front of my face, a lot of how I'm feeling. And then paradoxically it magnifies these repressed emotions so that if I do become sad or angry under the influence of thirteen long island iced teas, it's the SADDEST and ANGRIEST I've ever been.

And so I'm not drinking today. That's all I can say about it. I scared myself and it's funny because I didn't do anything wrong under the influence or anything remotely like that-- I've had many nights where I've behaved like a fool and I haven't had one of those in awhile. I just somehow caught a glimpse of what a zombie I've turned into-- how artificial I am, how much I've checked out. And I need a break. I need to think clearly. I need to stay away from alcohol. Maybe not forever. But for now.