Saturday, Sept. 27, 2003 | 2:00 PM

My love life (such as it is) is in the great tadition of long running television series romances. You know, Sam and Diane. Joey and Pacey. Ronald Reagan and the American Public.

Every single relationship I have ever had, from the Great Big Ones to the Teeny Tiny Sex Blips all have one thing in common.

They thrive on tension. And mostly the tension created when one person really wants the other person, and the other person doesn�t want him/her, or is at best ambivilent. Or both people want each other but circumstance intervenes and they are kept apart. Or some misunderstanding is perpetuated placing false doubts in one or the other turning them away from A Love So Right and True.

My love life is built in well warn prime time cliches. The sort of who the fuck would have thought this would happen? type plot arcs. Any ridiculous sudsy ratings grabbing twist�I�ve lived it. In fact, if my love life were actually a televisoon show, I�m sure devoted viewers would at this point be throwing eggs at the screen because it�s all just too unrealistic-- like all the kids from 90210 going to the same college.

How long can a relationship thrive on tension? Ad infinitum, it seems.

See, if I could just feign not caring, it would be fine. I�d always win. Because when I stop caring, that�s when I get the attention I once craved. But of course, as I get older I find it harder and harder to conceal my feelings about anything. It�s all over my face. I am a ridiculous wishy washy romantic fool, and my thoughts are just so god damned obvious to anyone who knows me at all. Do you know how embaressing it is to be so emotionally transluscent? It�s worse than that dream of showing up to school in your underwear.