Wednesday, Sept. 10, 2003 | 10:38 AM

So. Auditions. Good times.

I did a kick ass job with one of my monologues and I knew it while I was doing it that it was the best I had ever done it, and Director and Stage Manager were impressed.

After the audition, me and Angus (who also auditioned) and Jeremy and Kelly and Alice went to the Pig for drinks. I downed several Long Island iced teas and started freaking out internally.

When Angus and I arrived home, we had both received messages to report for callbacks this evening. YEA!

However, I was not called back for the part I wanted. I was called back for the one part in the entire show I didn�t want.

So the internal freak out became the external freak out, and I started feeling all bad about myself and blah blah blah, and Angus was amazing. I can be so goddamned high-strung and it takes a special sort of person to deal with me. What I really need when one of these freak out phases occur is (to quote Sebadoh) �a kind forgiving friend� who is willing to hold me and tell me that I am loved, but not in a condescending way�really listening and challenging me as well�I know it�s retarded, and I�m way too old for it, but it actually really does help me come to terms with whatever it is that�s actually freaking me out if I am reassured.

Now I feel much better and I�ve been thinking about a lot of things and this whole experience is good for me. I am pretty sure I�m not even going to get the part I am called back for and it has nothing to do with whether I am a good actress or not�it just has to do with who fits what character best. And when I don�t get anything and have no play to do this season (I have been looking up auditions like crazy and there is just nothing going on) then I will have to deal with that.

In other news, Angus saved a baby squirrel from certain death yesterday and it is in our apartment right now being taken care of and adored until the ASPCA comes to get it.

Can I just say that Angus keeps doing things that make me love him more and more?

Suddenly, I feel depressed.

It�s funny�when I did Cabaret my personal life was in a horrible shambles and my heart was completely broken but professionally everything started going great. Now that Six Degrees has come along, my personal life is stable and good, but I have a very strong feeling I�m going to get didlisquat in the show.

Why can�t there be times when all areas of your life go right at once?

(PS�I have no doubt that if I live long enough, I will at some point play Ouisa Kittredge)