Sunday, Sept. 07, 2003 | 8:21 PM

After having a week off, I am back at work tomorrow, which always makes me feel disoriented. I have my audition on Tuesday and that is scaring the bejesus out of me. Everyday I wake up and think, maybe I just shouldn't audition. This is so much worse than Cabaret try-outs were because I have a track record and I know the whole production staff, so it's personal, even if it's not personal. AND I want this fucking role so badly that it's far worse than any unrequited love I have ever known. I am sick with jealousy over anyone who would get this part. It's MINE. I know it to my bones.

I know that things work out and they happen for reasons unknown until much later, but I don't care. I want this so badly that it's making me completely sick.

Being in the new place is weird. Not BAD, but weird. Being around someone whom I have these feelings for and things being so unsettled and it's all so new and blah blah blah. It's been wonderful and strange and I don't exactly know what to do or how to be.

Last night I had a serious panic attack and asked myself if maybe I have made a terrible mistake. But then I calmed down and realized this is how I ALWAYS feel when I do something scary, when I go into unchartered territory, and that this is the sort of thing that makes me feel most alive.

I ate some popcorn today. And a tuna melt.

I really don't fucking want to go to work tomorrow.

I wish I had a nice stiff drink right now. All that's in the fridge is PBR and Bud and I am not in the mood for beer.