Thursday, Sept. 04, 2003 | 1:03 PM

I just went for a walk in the rain and leaning over the front gate of a house, was a perfect white rose dripping with water. I moved close to smell it and the water ran over my face and I suddenly felt so happy that I started laughing out loud.

You know, every day I have moments where I start freaking out. I always have this endgame scenario in mind. I think about how bad things will get when they are over. I think about losing him from my life. I think about having things happen that would hurt so badly I'd spend months in psychic anguish. I think about losing myself.

But you know what? I dealt with that before and I survived it. And it made me a much better more adult human being. And this is a different relationship. Shielding oneself from hurt shuts out all the joy as well. And when I make blanket statements like "Relationships Are Stupid", I'm being just as rigid and defensive as I once was when I held on so steadfastly to the idea of "How A Relationship Has To Be."

Can I just say this? I love him. I mean, I LOVE him in a way that surprises me. I mean what I want to say is that I think I am in love with him. Yeah, I am. When he opened the door to the apartment last night and walked in I gasped at the feeling that rushed over me. And when I woke up next to him I just felt overwhlmed by how much I love him. I've been so scared to admit this to myself, but it's true.

Now, he is absolutely in no space to be making some kind of comittment or getting really involved, and I am probably not either. My last relationship ended a little over a year ago and I feel like I am still processing that and still figuring out what it is I want from life. So is he. I don't want to jump into anything. I don't want expectations made on me, and I don't want to put them on him. This is a very good exercise in keeping posessiveness in check-- of not using someone to make myself feel secure. And the fact that we have been very restrained about our physical invovement (difficult as it sometimes is) is very positive. I just love waking up entwined with him. I love the way we sleep next to each other. I love all that ginchy silly stuff. I feel like I melt like candle wax when we're together. And what's so wonderful is what friends we are. We've gone through so much shit. When I think about it, I am very angry for having hurt him or said things that were unkind about him in the past when I was so angry. The thought of hurting him makes me sick.

Things may not turn out well. I know the dangers and I know where he is. And I don't want to hurt him or confuse him. This may be the most adult I've ever been about creating boundaries and respecting someone else's needs.

But I LOVE him and no one can take that away from me. He is confused and unsure and that is fine. He may meet someone else tomorrow and that will hurt. But it's OK. I love him. I have the capacity to feel this way and no one can take that away from me. Just being able to love so much is enough.