Friday, Aug. 29, 2003 | 11:30 AM

What the hell is wrong with me today? I woke up and I have felt so fucking sad ever since. I had a terrific time last night. Why can�t I just learn to take things and appreciate things as they come and for what they are? Why is it that I am so suspicious and so untrusting? I HATE that legacy and if there was anything I could do to erase it I would. The sad fact is that I do not have a single friend whom on some level I don�t doubt. It�s like a fail-safe mechanism. I simply don�t believe what anyone says�not because I think people are malicious�just that I don�t have a whole lot of faith in anyone�s word. People mean what they say at the moment they say it and never after that. I take everyone these days with a grain of salt. Here�s what it is�I think people, and I mean EVERYONE when I say this�I think people are fucking full of shit. And I am always waiting for the ball to drop to find out that people just aren�t who I think they are.

And any time anyone gets too close to me, I can�t keep myself from totally freaking out internally and wanting to push them off the proverbial friendship cliff. I am so PISSED that this is how I feel. I HATE it. I hate that I can�t just let lose entirely and love someone without reservations. Reservations cling to my love like leaches sucking away all the nutrients.

What is doubly so fucking sad is that (as far as I know anyway) NOTHING happened at all that should provoke this kind of response from me. But I�m so goddamned battle scarred and trigger happy that I have to entertain the possibility that it did. I absolutely expect to be betrayed and hurt by everyone that I care about. It�s like a given fact. And so I�ve attempted to train myself to not have any expectations of anyone.

But you know what? Don�t you have a fucking right to expect certain things from the people you care about? I mean, don�t you have a right to expect that if you love someone and they love you (or profess to anyway) that there are certain boundaries they won�t cross, and that they will be there for you and stand up for you in your time of need? Is that too much to expect? Shouldn�t that just be par for the course of any true love relationship or friendship? And if you go into everything assuming that people won�t follow through in that way, that they will change their minds or turn their backs, that they will cross lines you consider sacred and have made clear are sacred�if you give up on all of those things and don�t expect anything from anyone, then what the hell is the relationship anyway?

All of my friendships have become glorified acquaintanceships. Because I simply do not believe in anyone anymore. And that is really really really fucking sad.

I think people are full of shit. And I don�t believe anything anyone says.