Sunday, Aug. 24, 2003 | 10:21 PM

Spent a wonderful Saturday with Angus. Wonderful wonderful wonderful. To love someone so much and finally recognize it for what it is beautiful, even if it still can�t be reigned in or given a name or a set of rules. Even if we are dancing on a thin line. It�s incredible. And scary as hell. After he fell asleep I stayed up and freaked out silently over all kinds of things. Stupid. Then I went to sleep and snuggled against him and that was nice. I�m proud of how smart we�ve both been about things. We haven�t done anything foolish recently.

Today I took myself out with the proceeds of selling so much of my stuff. I saw Camp, which is the greatest movie ever made but you�d hate it unless you�re a super theatre geek like me. It is wicked corny and in-jokey and fun, and it made me crazy rabid for being back on stage again. After it was over I felt like seeing another movie so I took myself to Le Divorce, which I liked very very much up until the last twenty or so minutes which were just plain dumb. It made me want to be back in France again very very badly.

I am moving in less than two weeks. Holy christ. HOLY CHRIST. I woke up this morning and Angus was running his fingers through my hair and talking to me softly and gently and that was nice. It made me feel safe and then immediately I started feeling freaked out because you know what can happen when you start feeling safe? You stop paying attention, and then BAM�you lose everything. You lose your heart and your soul and your whole life, and you look around and years have gone by and you don�t remember why you made the choices you did. And all the love is burned out of you and gone and there is bitterness and sadness that colors everything that happened before and you can�t look back on any of it fondly. And I never ever ever want that to happen to me ever again.

But then I�ve known him for so many years. We�ve been through craziness. I know his worst points and his best. I don�t think I have any illusions about who he is. And I love him. I love him the way you love someone who has seen you at your worst, who knows your bad points and still looks at you and sees someone shining and wonderful. I�m happy. And terrified. And all other sorts of things. And I have decided that come hell or high water I will get my role in Six Degrees. Because it�s destiny and you cannot fuck with destiny, my friend.