Tuesday, Aug. 19, 2003 | 3:54 PM

You know, most of what�s been �bad� that�s happened to me has been at least partially my fault. That may not be true of my childhood traumas, but it definitely is of my adult life. The universe has been preternaturally kind to me all in all. In fact, I truly don�t know another human being who is as lucky as I am. Whenever I put in a little effort, luck and providence both support me. I am the living breathing personification of the Stones� philosophical treatise

You can�t always get what you want/ But if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need

Most of what I want and don�t get isn�t good for me anyway, or it turns out later that getting it would have meant I wouldn�t have received something even better. And I always always get what I need�in every sense of that term. I get what I need to survive, I get what I need to thrive, I get what I need to learn the lessons I need to learn. Maybe we all do. I don�t know.

So I think it�s interesting that I have such a penchant for holding grudges, clinging to bitterness, and generally not letting things go. I thought about that a lot last night and today.

On the one hand, something I definitely needed to learn and did learn this past year were my own boundaries concerning personal relationships. That it was indeed OK for me to feel that something someone else was doing was unacceptable to me in terms of what I needed from friends and loved ones. That I had every right to demand the treatment I felt I needed and deserved from people, and that if someone was incapable of providing it, then it was best to change or terminate that relationship. That was a huge step.

There�s another piece to that, though. And it�s been coming to me very slowly, sort of like the triangle rising to the surface of the magic 8-ball. It�s possible to set boundaries in personal relationships and to be true to your own needs without lasting bitterness, without grudge holding, without beating the situation to death like a dead horse. That it�s possible to consciously decide that you cannot have someone in your life and still wish the best for them and want them to be happy, and even love them. And that doing so sets you free and creates more room in your life for new experiences and joy.

(yes I�m getting all guru-y here. Sorry)

I�ve had a real problem with polarization in relationships. When someone really hurts me I find it impossible to disengage from the negativity of that feeling. In my heart of hearts I have not been particularly pure as to my feelings for others at certain times (understatement of the year) and there is nothing that hurts more than wishing ill on someone whom you really and truly care about. It is the most debilitating feeling I think I�ve ever experienced. Wanting someone else to hurt as badly as you hurt�I think that�s why most divorces and breakups are so ugly.

Anyway, I�ve been thinking about that a lot lately. It�s been germinating in my mind�how to reconcile ending something�something that may have even ended in a way that wounded you deeply�with grace and good wishes. Because good wishes bred good reality and bitterness and negativity and fear only breed more of the same.

I have a lot of love in my life. Shouldn�t I wish that for everyone else? I have a lot of joy and luck and munificence and grace. I have so much more than I ever could have dreamed I�d have. Why the bitterness and resentment? If others are lucky enough to find joy and love in their lives too, I should be happy for them (albeit sometimes from a distance) and forgive the actions that brought me such pain. I am after all human and have caused others pain as well. I honestly think we�re all doing the best we can.